Well here I am. 100 days later. Somethings did not turn out as planned. Okay... nothing turned out as planned. I am not thinner. My diet is not squeaky clean. I did not read the entire Bible. My house is not sparkling. I still have a pile of laundry waiting to be "caught up" this weekend. My floors need to be mopped. My car is a mess. Looking back over my "challenge" makes me sigh. I didn't even take my vitamins every day! What the heck?!?
My natural tendency is to cower to the voices that tell me, "What were you thinking? You ALWAYS fail. You NEVER follow through. You are such a loser. You let everyone down. When are you gonna learn? You think you can just revamp your life? You knew better! You have no self discipline. You are a terrible person."
I did not complete my challenge as planned, but it was far from being a failure. Sure, I am disappointed that I didn't complete the challenge, but I'm excited about what I DID accomplish these past 100 days.
I learned to talk back to those voices that tell me I "always" or "never" do something. I learned to quiet the thoughts that tear me down, belittle me, and cause me to think poorly of myself as a person.
I learned to set healthy boundaries, without feeling anger, guilt, or anxiety.
I learned to ask for clarification instead of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.
I learned to admit when I am struggling, without fear of rejection.
I learned that I really am too hard on myself, that no one but me expects me to do anything perfectly and that life is much more enjoyable when I just "do" instead of waiting til I think I can "do it perfectly."
I learned to push through fear, and marked "sell my art at a craft show" off my bucket list in the process.
I learned to not equate "needs improvement" with "utter and complete earth shattering failure" and learned to give myself permission to step away and then try again. This is an example of how that turned out...
I've learned and accepted that that I'm not the person I thought I wanted to be. I think I've said this before, but it usually takes a few "ah ha" moments for something to stick with me. So, I'm not the person I thought I wanted to be. I'm not strong and demanding. I don't take what I want. I am not beautiful or even striking. I do not have a commanding presence. I am not the center of attention. I do NOT have it all together. I am NOT good at small talk. Jokes are often lost on me. I am not interested in fashion trends, popular tv shows, or celebrity lives. I... am not... cool.
Despite my lack of coolness, I've learned to like myself.... really like myself. I've learned to stop focusing on what I'm NOT and appreciate WHO I AM. I am learning to appreciate, cultivate, and take care of who God created me to be. I am kind, gentle, and trusting. I believe the best in people. I expect people to do the right thing. I don't expect anyone, including my husband and kids, to disappoint me. This isn't harsh or demanding, rather, I look for and expect the good and am often blind to the bad. I am as painfully introspective as I am optimistic. I enjoy deep conversations about thoughts and feelings and spirituality. I like to listen to people, to watch them, to see if they really are who they want people to believe they are, and what makes them so (or not so). I am creative. I love art and words and music. Oh, I really do love music. I place value on things, conversations, events, and sometimes even people based on how they make me feel. God has given me the ability and desire to love deeply, give without strings, see beyond what people project on the surface, and accept without judgement.
I tell the people in my life, "There is nothing you can do to make me love you any more or any less. I love you because I do, not because of anything you do." I've learned that this is absolutely true. I have also said that, when my time here is over, I want the people in my life to say "Kris loved me." That's also true, but I have recently realized that it is very important to me that the people in my life have the confidence to know "Kris loves me." I want the people in my life to know I am for them, that I want them to succeed - for themselves and not for anything I may or may not gain from their success, and that I want their lives to be full and rich...and good.
All this is to say, my 100 Day challenge did not play out as planned, but these past 100 days have been full of major victories and for that, I am grateful.
Just my thoughts,
K
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