3rd surgery

Met Dr Pitman yesterday. She is going to do my "neck dissection". After they said that a few times, I laughed and said " I thought you dissected frogs...not necks". They sort of chuckled and said something about terminology. What ever.
Anyway, she is going to dissect my neck. Doesn't that sound like fun? She is removing the lymph nodes on the right side. I didn't ask how many. Perhaps I should have asked. Once she is done, Dr S is going to do my vocal cord again. Alan...I mean Dr Grimm...said that Dr S is going to do the same surgery he has done the other times. Alan, I mean Dr Grimm, was with Dr S before I had my last surgery, and then was with Dr Pitman yesterday. I like him. He gives me details and I think he enjoys what he is doing. He smiles a lot. He talks to me and not at me. I wonder how long it takes for a doctor to learn to talk at his/her patient.
Once the surgery is over, i will have to stay overnight at the hospital. The recovery time is longer than I expected, and i will have to do some physical therapy because of expected damage to a shoulder nerve or something. That didn't interest me much.
At least I will finally have a scar. I can say "Let me tell you about MY scar"...okay, maybe not.
That's all I know. If there is cancer in the lymph nodes, we will "have" to do radiation. I am still waiting for what's behind door #2, the "prize" behind door number 1 is not what I wanted. Radiation does not sound like something I want to do.
It is late and the "kids" just left a bit ago. Tonight was young adult Bible study at our house. I am glad that they enjoy being here. They usually stay until around 10. Tonight Izzy was asleep in my lap for an hour before they started leaving. I hate to see them go. They are so much fun. Some we have known since they were in Jr High, some we have known only a few months. They all feel like family. I love having a house full of friends. Always have.
It is so easy to allow myself to be afraid, especially now. I sometimes feel anger start to creep up on me. Sometimes I am tempted to have a big pity party. Sometimes, especially in the Doctor's office getting more "news", I feel completely overwhelmed and can barely "keep it together". Yesterday, I kept telling myself "breathe, just breathe". I am afraid that if I ever start crying, i will never stop. I truly hate this and am so ready for it to be over.
With each new stage of this journey, I have had to work harder to stay focused on Christ. I do not know how people who do not believe in Christ and the promise of salvation cope with things like cancer. It must be devastating. I can always take a deep breath, close my eyes, and feel Christ draw me to Himself. I know He loves me. Just like Izzy will crawl into Calvin's lap and lay her little head on his chest, spiritually I do the same with my Savior. I crawl into his lap and melt into His arms and just listen to the beating of His heart.
I told Him that I would do anything for Him and that I will do everything I can to bring Him glory in everything I do. Although I hope beyond hope that He will allow me to see His purpose in this, I know He may not. I just hope that, when He sees me, He smiles.
Hugs
K