Monday, February 9, 2009

I got a really sweet e-mail from Dr S today. Just letting me know that he understands that I probably have "billions of thoughts and questions right now", but to "try and be patient" and rest assured because he has "about 20 people working on the best treatment" for me. He also warned me to resist the urge to research my cancer on the Internet because it might do nothing more than cause me unecessary stress. God sent me a warning, I just ignored it.
I e-mailed him back and said thanks for everything he is doing and that I would try to resist the urge to google every thought that popped into my head...but was making no promises.
A couple of hours later, I was Google-ing Head and Neck Cancer/Staging. Don't do that. It is not the stuff happy dreams are made of. By the end of the day, my head was aching, my chest was hurting, and I was fairly certain that my throat was swelling shut... okay, maybe not, but I was SUPER stressed over everything I read.
So I got home, still thinking about all the "What if's". Took Izzy to the doctor (nothing is wrong, just allergies) and while we were in the waiting room, my phone rang. Mrs. Jenny was one of my favorite people when I was little. With her snow white hair and infectious smile, I could not help but love her. She told me about Jesus, but more importantly, she lived Jesus in front of me every time I was around her. She called tonight to tell me she loves me and that she is praying hard for me. She said that she knew I was "going through a rough spot".
I thought my heart would burst. Yes, she got my number from my mom. Yes, mom told me that Mrs Jenny would be calling at some point. Yes this whole ordeal is probably what she was referring to when she referred to my "rough spot". But in my heart I know that my heavenly Father used my sweet Mrs Jenny to soothe His daughter's soul. I was definitely going through a "rough spot" right that second. I was scared to death....and God knew... so Mrs. Jenny called.
It does not matter what this type of cancer "usually does". It does not matter how it is usually treated. Dr Schweinfurth and others are figuring out what to do with MY cancer. Do I or do I not believe that My Savior has this under control?
I do. I do believe. Satan is constantly trying to steal my witness. Today, for a few hours, I let him. So, after I hung up with Mrs Jenny, I took a deep breath, apologized to my Savior for taking my eyes off Him and declared war on my enemy.
I am not afraid. I have focused my eyes on my Savior once more and am at total peace. The waves are still crashing around me and i have no idea what storms are ahead, but I am resting safe and sound once more in the arms of My Creator.
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