Big Plans - Poor Follow thru

 Pretty much sums up my little life.

I wrote the previous 4 or 5 posts back around my birthday. Had a bit of a mid-life crisis there for a minute when I realized how much of my life I have wasted. Had another little moment of freak out when I realized how much my writing changed. Annnd another slip into despair when I thought about who I WANT to be compared to who I actually am. I wasn't going to publish those posts. I read them tonight and worried that maybe they are too... raw. (Especially the one about "Surviving") BUT I DO want to be free to open my soul and bleed all over the keyboard. I want the freedom to word vomit whatever thoughts are banging around in my head. I want to open up and just let the words flow. After all - this is my blog - right?

So - I published the posts- and was intentional when I published the one about "surviving" - because I do still have bad days. Somedays are REALLY bad. Yes, I still have moments - even many moments strung together- that I think I can't do this and I wish God would take me on to heaven so that the pain that is so constant in this life would no longer...hurt. I'm not being fair to myself or to anyone else who fights against depression by denying that I still have really really bad days. So - I published the posts.   

Now - to be fair - I have some REALLY good days too. Honestly, lately I have had probably and equal number of good and bad days - which is AMAZING. Things are getting better. I am finally moving from "trapped in the pit of despair" me and "zombie from too much medication" me back toward "normal" me...which isn't really very normal I don't suppose...but I feel soooo much better than I have in so many years!

ANY WAY- now for the actual reason I started this particular post... I have terrible follow thru!

I make WONDERFUL plans. I have GREAT intentions. I have TERRIBLE follow thru.

I do want to do all the things. I do want to make my little piece of the world better. I do want to leave the people God puts in my path better than I found them. I want to add to people's lives - not take from them. I do want people to want to know Jesus because they have known me. I want to create beautiful things and I want to share art with others.. I want to love my people well. I want to make the rest of my life count for something. I want it to matter that I was here. 

But I'm probably not going to blog every day. I'm PROBABLY not going to do one little thing everyday to make my world better - even though that does sound like a lovely idea. I am going to start project 365 tomorrow (January 1)...we'll see how it goes.

So- time for making plans. That's what New Year's Eve is all about - right? Out with the old, in with the new.

Big Hugs

K