49th Birthday Eve

November 23, 2021

 I will be 49 tomorrow.

Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Maybe I just woke up. Maybe I am FINALLY crawling out of this pit of depression. All I know is that I realized the other day that I have wasted an entire decade of my life. I have nothing to show for the first 9 years of my 40s. I spent the first half building up to a nervous breakdown and spent the last half trying to recover from said nervous breakdown. I survived the first 9 years of my 40s, but that's it - I just survived.

Earlier this year, I tried letting go of all the ideas I have of who I "should" be so that I could just be "me." That didn't work out at all like I expected. Without anything to drive me, I was just ... nothing. I did nothing. I accomplished nothing. I am very disappointed in myself.

If letting go of expectations did not accomplish what I wanted, then perhaps prayerfully considering the expectations I have of myself would be a better way to....hmmmm... what exactly am I trying to do? I'm really not sure. I want...something. I want to FEEL something. Something...but what?

I want to be proud of myself but not in a self righteous, vain, or self-absorbed kind of way. I want to be pleased with myself. I want to know that I am the woman God created me to be, that I used my gifts and talents to the best of my ability, that I leave people better than I found them, and that my life reflects my love for Jesus. 

So then, what would that look like? 

In the past, I have been pleased with myself when I was actively working with the women in our church and community. I've been pleased with myself when I created things: painting, writing, crochet, tatting,  baking, cooking...yes I definitely enjoy creating things. I would be more pleased with myself if I were thin. I'd be more pleased with myself if my budget was balanced and my house was clean.

That's a start and it is enough for tonight. I'm sleepy. Going to try for a restful sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can come up with a plan to live my 49th year instead of spending another year just trying to survive.

Good night!

K