Just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has commented here, on Facebook, and via e-mail. Your words of encouragement always seem to come at just the right time.
I think it will be amazing to go back and read all the cards, e-mails, & comments here and on Facebook when this is over and I can look back on the whole experience. It is already interesting to me to go back to the first couple of posts...before the cancer diagnosis....when I thought the "battle" I was writing about was spiritual warfare. I never imagined I'd be battling cancer. Funny how things work out.
I am sometimes embarrassed that you are reading this. Please understand that writing is my coping mechanism. Writing allows me to vent, to ramble (especially when Calvin is tired of listening to me), to sort things out, to brainstorm, to get myself back in line. I almost quit and went back to my paper journal when I found out that I have cancer, but then i got a few e-mails saying that my thoughts were actually encouraging. Didn't really expect that, but might as well run with it I suppose.
I guess all this is to say, i don't know where this is going to take us, but i am glad you decided to travel this journey with me.
I am going to see Dr. Pitman tomorrow afternoon. She specializes in cancers of the head and neck. She will be removing my lymph nodes. I guess she is going to explain the surgery to me. I can't imagine anything else she could tell me tomorrow.
Thanks again!
Hugs,
K
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
I got a really sweet e-mail from Dr S today. Just letting me know that he understands that I probably have "billions of thoughts and questions right now", but to "try and be patient" and rest assured because he has "about 20 people working on the best treatment" for me. He also warned me to resist the urge to research my cancer on the Internet because it might do nothing more than cause me unecessary stress. God sent me a warning, I just ignored it.
I e-mailed him back and said thanks for everything he is doing and that I would try to resist the urge to google every thought that popped into my head...but was making no promises.
A couple of hours later, I was Google-ing Head and Neck Cancer/Staging. Don't do that. It is not the stuff happy dreams are made of. By the end of the day, my head was aching, my chest was hurting, and I was fairly certain that my throat was swelling shut... okay, maybe not, but I was SUPER stressed over everything I read.
So I got home, still thinking about all the "What if's". Took Izzy to the doctor (nothing is wrong, just allergies) and while we were in the waiting room, my phone rang. Mrs. Jenny was one of my favorite people when I was little. With her snow white hair and infectious smile, I could not help but love her. She told me about Jesus, but more importantly, she lived Jesus in front of me every time I was around her. She called tonight to tell me she loves me and that she is praying hard for me. She said that she knew I was "going through a rough spot".
I thought my heart would burst. Yes, she got my number from my mom. Yes, mom told me that Mrs Jenny would be calling at some point. Yes this whole ordeal is probably what she was referring to when she referred to my "rough spot". But in my heart I know that my heavenly Father used my sweet Mrs Jenny to soothe His daughter's soul. I was definitely going through a "rough spot" right that second. I was scared to death....and God knew... so Mrs. Jenny called.
It does not matter what this type of cancer "usually does". It does not matter how it is usually treated. Dr Schweinfurth and others are figuring out what to do with MY cancer. Do I or do I not believe that My Savior has this under control?
I do. I do believe. Satan is constantly trying to steal my witness. Today, for a few hours, I let him. So, after I hung up with Mrs Jenny, I took a deep breath, apologized to my Savior for taking my eyes off Him and declared war on my enemy.
I am not afraid. I have focused my eyes on my Savior once more and am at total peace. The waves are still crashing around me and i have no idea what storms are ahead, but I am resting safe and sound once more in the arms of My Creator.
hugs!
k
I e-mailed him back and said thanks for everything he is doing and that I would try to resist the urge to google every thought that popped into my head...but was making no promises.
A couple of hours later, I was Google-ing Head and Neck Cancer/Staging. Don't do that. It is not the stuff happy dreams are made of. By the end of the day, my head was aching, my chest was hurting, and I was fairly certain that my throat was swelling shut... okay, maybe not, but I was SUPER stressed over everything I read.
So I got home, still thinking about all the "What if's". Took Izzy to the doctor (nothing is wrong, just allergies) and while we were in the waiting room, my phone rang. Mrs. Jenny was one of my favorite people when I was little. With her snow white hair and infectious smile, I could not help but love her. She told me about Jesus, but more importantly, she lived Jesus in front of me every time I was around her. She called tonight to tell me she loves me and that she is praying hard for me. She said that she knew I was "going through a rough spot".
I thought my heart would burst. Yes, she got my number from my mom. Yes, mom told me that Mrs Jenny would be calling at some point. Yes this whole ordeal is probably what she was referring to when she referred to my "rough spot". But in my heart I know that my heavenly Father used my sweet Mrs Jenny to soothe His daughter's soul. I was definitely going through a "rough spot" right that second. I was scared to death....and God knew... so Mrs. Jenny called.
It does not matter what this type of cancer "usually does". It does not matter how it is usually treated. Dr Schweinfurth and others are figuring out what to do with MY cancer. Do I or do I not believe that My Savior has this under control?
I do. I do believe. Satan is constantly trying to steal my witness. Today, for a few hours, I let him. So, after I hung up with Mrs Jenny, I took a deep breath, apologized to my Savior for taking my eyes off Him and declared war on my enemy.
I am not afraid. I have focused my eyes on my Savior once more and am at total peace. The waves are still crashing around me and i have no idea what storms are ahead, but I am resting safe and sound once more in the arms of My Creator.
hugs!
k
"I'm listening"
I think the hardest thing that I have had to face so far through all of this is not being able to sing in church. Who would have thought that would devastate me? Of all the things that have been going on, not being able to sing was really the worst. There are so many songs that speak of exactly how I feel.
"You are awesome in this place, Mighty God! You are awesome in this Place, Abba, Father!"
"I worship You, Almighty God, There is none like You."
"You are the air I breathe"
"I could sing of Your love Forever"
"You are my refuge"
These are just few lyrics that give words to my feelings about my Lord.
Not being able to sing to Him was almost unbearable after my first surgery.
I was dreading not being able to sing after this last surgery.
Last Sunday, I decided I'd give it a try, I'd sit in the choir loft and "lip sync" if necessary. God heard the cry of my heart and gave me the sweetest gift. He allowed me to sing. He allowed me to sing! It was all I could do to keep it "together". I was so thankful...so humbled and grateful that God took the time to hear my heart's cry. Then I was hit with the enormity of the fact that many many times (before this) I sat in the pew with something else on my mind and have not truly praised Him. In spite of my neglect, He gave me the most precious gift I could have dreamed of. It was as if He whispered to my heart, "Sing for me, my sweet child". And I did. Just for Him. I poured out all of the love in my heart and praised Him for who He is. My Creator, My Father, My Savior, My Lord, My strength, My refuge, My hiding place, My Comfort, the very air I breathe.
Oh God! Please never let me be so consumed with this fleeting life that I do not worship You!
He gave me the same gift again yesterday. He even kept my headache in check until after the evening service!
God is blessing our church in SO many ways! He is adding to our numbers almost every week! He is bringing old friends back to us and introducing us to new friends all the time! Last week we had 6 join the church and this week we had one new member and one of our first youth come back to us! The new Sunday school class is growing (19 - early 30's) by leaps and bounds! We have had 3 new members in the past couple of weeks! Our FLO (For Ladies Only) Bible study has grown from 10 or 12 to just over 30, when everyone shows up. The choir has tripled! We have over 40 on the "roll" now!
God is so good! I can't wait to meet Dr Pitman on Wednesday and see what she has to say. Hopefully we can have surgery next week. What ever the outcome, I know God is in control. He is with me, and He loves me enough to let me sing for Him.
Hugs! K
"You are awesome in this place, Mighty God! You are awesome in this Place, Abba, Father!"
"I worship You, Almighty God, There is none like You."
"You are the air I breathe"
"I could sing of Your love Forever"
"You are my refuge"
These are just few lyrics that give words to my feelings about my Lord.
Not being able to sing to Him was almost unbearable after my first surgery.
I was dreading not being able to sing after this last surgery.
Last Sunday, I decided I'd give it a try, I'd sit in the choir loft and "lip sync" if necessary. God heard the cry of my heart and gave me the sweetest gift. He allowed me to sing. He allowed me to sing! It was all I could do to keep it "together". I was so thankful...so humbled and grateful that God took the time to hear my heart's cry. Then I was hit with the enormity of the fact that many many times (before this) I sat in the pew with something else on my mind and have not truly praised Him. In spite of my neglect, He gave me the most precious gift I could have dreamed of. It was as if He whispered to my heart, "Sing for me, my sweet child". And I did. Just for Him. I poured out all of the love in my heart and praised Him for who He is. My Creator, My Father, My Savior, My Lord, My strength, My refuge, My hiding place, My Comfort, the very air I breathe.
Oh God! Please never let me be so consumed with this fleeting life that I do not worship You!
He gave me the same gift again yesterday. He even kept my headache in check until after the evening service!
God is blessing our church in SO many ways! He is adding to our numbers almost every week! He is bringing old friends back to us and introducing us to new friends all the time! Last week we had 6 join the church and this week we had one new member and one of our first youth come back to us! The new Sunday school class is growing (19 - early 30's) by leaps and bounds! We have had 3 new members in the past couple of weeks! Our FLO (For Ladies Only) Bible study has grown from 10 or 12 to just over 30, when everyone shows up. The choir has tripled! We have over 40 on the "roll" now!
God is so good! I can't wait to meet Dr Pitman on Wednesday and see what she has to say. Hopefully we can have surgery next week. What ever the outcome, I know God is in control. He is with me, and He loves me enough to let me sing for Him.
Hugs! K
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