I've really started thinking about what I WANT. Last week I started putting this into words. Today I hope to explain the shift that took place to get me out of the valley and to where I am now.
I've decided that I want to be emotionally and mentally healthy. This has become a vital step in my journey through the post-suicide-attempt valley.
Looking around and listening to people has made me believe that wanting to know who or what is to blame for.... whatever... makes a person a victim. It takes away their power. This was true for me and is true in the lives of others that I know. A victim is eternally helpless, unable to "fix" the situation. There is a HUGE difference in wanting to find out who or what is to blame for my mental break and subsequent suicide attempt and wanting to be mentally and emotionally healthy. This realization is what made me think about my thinking.
I realized that my thoughts were focused on reminding myself why I was depressed and of all the things I don't like and/or wish were different in my life. My to do list was FULL of reminders of all the things that made me... unhappy, unsettled, unsteady, full of regret, grief, anger, and guilt. My greatest want was to prove that my feelings of hopelessness and despair were validated. Is it any wonder I was depressed?
I changed my "want to" from finding out who is to blame and holding them accountable to making peace with my past...
I changed my "want to" from explaining the reasons why I was in such a low place to getting OUT of that low place...
I changed my "want to" from justifying why I was depressed to figuring out what would help me battle depression...
...and gradually my "to do" list changed. It's still full of reminders, but they fill me with joy instead of hopelessness and despair. I remind myself of the many ways God has delivered me personally, of how He has worked in the lives of my friends and family, of how He has gifted me, and of the amazing people He has placed in my life.
No one WANTS to be depressed, but my GOODNESS it is hard to fight it. I have to choose, moment by moment... "What do I really WANT?" I remind myself that don't want to be depressed....
I WANT to be full of Joy, Peace, Patience, Love, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control. I want to FEEL these things and I want my life to be characterized by them.
I WANT to be mentally and emotionally healthy.
I want to share my struggles and God's faithfulness through my writing.
I want my paintings to capture the beauty in nature that God so generously provides.
I want to enjoy each moment God gives me.
I still take my meds. I still confide in trusted friends. I still lean heavily on my husband. I go to counseling when I need it. I surround myself with music and other things that soothe my soul. I stay in God's Word and I pray intentionally. I rest. I get enough sleep. I let go of what I cannot change and embrace what brings me joy and peace. These things make up my new to do list. They support my WANT to stay mentally and emotionally healthy.
I feel like I am at the end of this journey. I feel the fog lifted. I believe that this is the final piece to healing.
What do you WANT? Does your "to do" list line up with your "want to?"
For me... I mostly want JOY! Not fleeting happiness based on circumstances... but true joy, based on my relationship with Christ and what He is doing in and through me and this life He has given me.
Just my thoughts...
K
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