I'm starting to panic a bit. I feel like my life should be completely renovated my now. I feel like I am running out of time.
This challenge is almost half over. I still haven't managed to eat completely clean for a solid week. I have not managed to get to the gym every single day for even one week. I have all but given up on planks and push ups since I hurt my shoulder (I can't lift my right arm over my head or touch my left shoulder with my right arm without lots of pain.) A sweet friend asked how I manage to eat no processed foods... all I can say is I'm still working on it.
Of course, my brain is screaming at me right now. Today's recording sounds something like this...
"Oh.... my... WORD! Are you KIDDING me? What the heck??? Come ON! This isn't rocket science. It's not like you are trying to run a marathon or swim the 7 seas for goodness sake! How hard is it to pack your freakin lunch every day? I mean really!!! There are people with one leg who run marathons and you're unable to make it to the gym every day? Seriously? Are you KIDDING me right now? It's all about priorities, Kris. That's all. If you WANTED this, you'd do it. Plain and simple. You are a lazy ridiculous excuse for a human and will never amount to anything if you can't even do this little challenge right. All I'm sayin is that if it was important to you, you would do it. Instead, you are 6 weeks into this little 'challenge' you made up and you have not accomplished one dang thing. I am disgusted with you."
There are 2 specific voices that my brain uses when it gives me this sort of speech, which makes it all the more believable.
My normal path is to quit right now. When the recording in my brain starts reminding me of how many times I've failed and what a disappointment I am, I just quit. I mean really...what's the point?
I don't know what the final result of the challenge will be, but I am skipping the "i quit" step. I am pushing through.
Anyway, that's where I am today. Not in the best place emotionally, but I'm not completely overtaken by the dark either.
I DO recognize that the recording my brain plays is not of God. I know that it's one of the tools Satan uses to keep me in bondage and I know that Satan continues to use the recordings in my head because they serve him so well. Up to now I believed them to be absolute fact. I didn't question the words or consider their source, I just believed them to be true.
Today I remember how it felt the first time I heard those careless hurtful hateful words and I remember thinking then "no, you're wrong. That's not true."
Maybe proving to the ones who've told and continue to tell me these things that they are wrong isn't the way to freedom. Maybe believing that they are wrong and not caring what they think (since they are wrong) is where I'll find freedom.
But that's definitely a post for another day.....
58 Days to go!
K
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