5 months ago, I thought that the best way to feel better about myself was to "get in shape" in a purely physical sense. I thought that losing fat and building muscle would increase my self confidence and sense of value and worth.
I was wrong.
If you've been following my ramblings this past year, you've shared my journey as I have looked deep into myself to discover what I truly value. Thank you for sticking with me. It has been a bumpy ride peppered with dizzying circles of thought and random, sometimes short lived, plans.
This month will mark one year since I attempted to end my life.
I've learned much about my thoughts, feelings, values, and desires and have grown to appreciate the things about me that make me... me. I will discuss this at length in a few weeks on the anniversary of the day I didn't die. Hmmmmm..."The Day I Didn't Die" sounds like the title of a book.
Yesterday I shared my thoughts on being overwhelmed and being more gentle with the standards I set for myself. Today I want to touch on my thoughts and feelings about my physical body. While my physical appearance is important to me...there are things I value much more than my physical appearance.
Thing is, my appearance is quite plain. I'm overweight, brown hair and eyes, light skin and freckles. I am taller than most women I know. None of those things are anything that would turn heads.
I'm reminded that there is so much more to my body than the way i look....
My body has grown 2 babies, fought (and won) 2 battles with cancer, withstood almost 20 surgeries and or procedures that required general anesthesia, has recovered from bile leaking from my liver into my abdomen after my gall bladder was removed, and, most recently, survived an effort on my part to die.
I appreciate my body. It has served me so very well.
Even so, I have decided that the thing I like most about me is not my body, but rather what is housed there.
It's my heart, my soul, that I want others to see, feel, and experience. That is where the Holy Spirit resides and where love is born. All that is lovely about me is Christ in me. This is what I want to grow and cultivate.
I have spent hours...days...months even... considering what legacy I want to leave. When I'm gone, what memory do I want to leave with the people God has given me? I have settled on something so simple...I think I have always known this, but I didn't trust it...I didn't think it was enough. Again, I was wrong...It's more than enough. When I'm gone, I want to leave one simple memory with the people God gave me...
"Kris loved me"
That's all.
How does this fit it with "Get Fit Friday?" Well, my thoughts on my body have changed. Rather than thinking of exercise and eating healthy as punishment for being fat or as means to become beautiful, my thoughts of being healthy have changed to just that... being healthy. I'm not terribly concerned with how I will look...I am concerned with caring for this body that has been so faithful to serve me these 45 years. I'm not worried about the scale or the size of my clothes. Instead, I am going to lovingly care for my body while I focus on what truly matters to me... making sure that the people God puts in my path know that they are loved.
I was taught that tenderness is weakness.I was taught that gentleness would be taken advantage of. I was told that I should be tougher, stronger, more assertive, bolder, and more self-promoting...that I should stick up for my self, push my agenda, and demand to be treated "right"... and I believed these things...I truly believed them.
The people who told me these things were wrong.
God created me soft, gentle, and tender hearted. He created me kind, caring, nurturing, and peace-loving. He created me to love, encourage, and invest in others.
I'm going to do more of that. I'm going to grow those things God placed in me. I'm believing that God created me the way He wants me to be so that He can accomplish His will in me. I am resting in the belief that I am exactly who God created me to be...and that HE will change things that HE wants changed in me.
I guess I will need to rethink Friday's theme. Maybe not. Who knows? I guess we will find out next week.
Much love and big big hugs!
K
I was wrong.
If you've been following my ramblings this past year, you've shared my journey as I have looked deep into myself to discover what I truly value. Thank you for sticking with me. It has been a bumpy ride peppered with dizzying circles of thought and random, sometimes short lived, plans.
This month will mark one year since I attempted to end my life.
I've learned much about my thoughts, feelings, values, and desires and have grown to appreciate the things about me that make me... me. I will discuss this at length in a few weeks on the anniversary of the day I didn't die. Hmmmmm..."The Day I Didn't Die" sounds like the title of a book.
Yesterday I shared my thoughts on being overwhelmed and being more gentle with the standards I set for myself. Today I want to touch on my thoughts and feelings about my physical body. While my physical appearance is important to me...there are things I value much more than my physical appearance.
Thing is, my appearance is quite plain. I'm overweight, brown hair and eyes, light skin and freckles. I am taller than most women I know. None of those things are anything that would turn heads.
I'm reminded that there is so much more to my body than the way i look....
My body has grown 2 babies, fought (and won) 2 battles with cancer, withstood almost 20 surgeries and or procedures that required general anesthesia, has recovered from bile leaking from my liver into my abdomen after my gall bladder was removed, and, most recently, survived an effort on my part to die.
I appreciate my body. It has served me so very well.
Even so, I have decided that the thing I like most about me is not my body, but rather what is housed there.
It's my heart, my soul, that I want others to see, feel, and experience. That is where the Holy Spirit resides and where love is born. All that is lovely about me is Christ in me. This is what I want to grow and cultivate.
I have spent hours...days...months even... considering what legacy I want to leave. When I'm gone, what memory do I want to leave with the people God has given me? I have settled on something so simple...I think I have always known this, but I didn't trust it...I didn't think it was enough. Again, I was wrong...It's more than enough. When I'm gone, I want to leave one simple memory with the people God gave me...
"Kris loved me"
That's all.
How does this fit it with "Get Fit Friday?" Well, my thoughts on my body have changed. Rather than thinking of exercise and eating healthy as punishment for being fat or as means to become beautiful, my thoughts of being healthy have changed to just that... being healthy. I'm not terribly concerned with how I will look...I am concerned with caring for this body that has been so faithful to serve me these 45 years. I'm not worried about the scale or the size of my clothes. Instead, I am going to lovingly care for my body while I focus on what truly matters to me... making sure that the people God puts in my path know that they are loved.
I was taught that tenderness is weakness.I was taught that gentleness would be taken advantage of. I was told that I should be tougher, stronger, more assertive, bolder, and more self-promoting...that I should stick up for my self, push my agenda, and demand to be treated "right"... and I believed these things...I truly believed them.
The people who told me these things were wrong.
God created me soft, gentle, and tender hearted. He created me kind, caring, nurturing, and peace-loving. He created me to love, encourage, and invest in others.
I'm going to do more of that. I'm going to grow those things God placed in me. I'm believing that God created me the way He wants me to be so that He can accomplish His will in me. I am resting in the belief that I am exactly who God created me to be...and that HE will change things that HE wants changed in me.
I guess I will need to rethink Friday's theme. Maybe not. Who knows? I guess we will find out next week.
Much love and big big hugs!
K
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