The Battle Isn't Over

I wasn't going to write tonight, but I've sat here at the keyboard for hours. The blank screen and blinking cursor are staring back at me as if to ask "Well, what is it? What do you want to say?"

It is taking everything in me to write tonight. So far I'm not doing a very good job. I don't know how to put words to where I am.  I think it is important though...to record where I am. I think it is important to be honest about this journey.

Before I go any further, please know that I am NOT going to hurt or kill myself. At least I don't think I will.

No, I'm not going to hurt myself. That is still true.

I don't want or need to be hospitalized. I am not crying out for help. I just need to be left alone for a little minute. Let me process this. I'll be fine. I will. I am definitely not okay tonight...but I've learned that I can trust myself even when I am not okay.  I just need to process where I am, then figure out what to do. It may take me a little minute to get myself together, but I will. I always do.

Anyway...Here we go...  

It seems like every time I think I'm beating this; I fall apart...and I swear I think each fall is worse than the one before. I'm not sure how that can be, but really, I feels that way. It feels like I fall farther every time. It's harder to recover every time I fall.

I shared one post from this season on my FB and had SUCH a positive response... I am ashamed to be where I am today. This weekend I TRULY was fine. I was happy even. Today I am falling apart.

I feel like a failure, a fraud, a freak. I feel like I lied...even though I know that I absolutely did not. I WAS better. I WAS. I TRULY thought that I was done with the suicide / depression valley. I truly thought that I had overcome this darkness. Now it's back.

It's like I get hit with a gigantic black blob of thick sticky suffocating gunk that immediately swallows me up. People tell me to "think happy thoughts" and "just don't think about it" but they don't understand. It is all consuming. It hits me so hard, sends me reeling, steals my breath, paralyzes me. I don't have TIME to get my feet under me and "think happy thoughts." All I can think is "Oh my God, this is going to kill me."

I do NOT want to feel this way anymore.

I don't think I CAN do this anymore.

I know that everyone has bad days and I don't expect to NOT have bad days. I don't understand why my "bad days" are so crippling. Why do I have several days where I feel completely normal, and then wake up one morning feeling so freaking BROKEN? Why do I feel so FRAGILE? Why do I feel so helpless?

I don't know what else to say.
It's like this darkness is never going to go away.
I feel like it is swallowing me and there is no way out.

I remember when I had cancer, there came a time when "everyone" was over it. I totally understood. They were just tired of hearing about it, talking about it.  I was "well" so it was time to move on.

That's where I am now. I have reached out to 2 different people and both said in a very loving way that it is time to "suck it up" and "just fake it" if that's what it takes.  Both said that I can't keep on like this or "someone will say something." It's interesting to realize how people really feel...when they give you advice. "I'm sure you feel so guilty for...what you tried to do. I'm sure you wonder what people think. You don't want all of us walking on eggshells because we are afraid to upset you." It's funny... I have not HONESTLY given much thought to what anyone thinks about what I've done or gone through. I have very little energy to worry about anything other than getting through each day. These are both friends. They both love me and would never hurt my feelings. They are honest...and they are honestly tired of my...what ever you want to call this.

I said a few posts ago that I choose to fight this.

I guess that REALLY is a choice I have to make daily.

I FEEL like I should be over this by now...But have discussed how fickle and undependable feelings are. Maybe I shouldn't be over it yet. Maybe I really never will be.

But I am going to fight it..or fake it...or suck it up...or whatever I have to do so that I seem okay.  I'll continue to be honest here. That's only fair. I will be honest with my family and my counselors. Outside of that, I will...

(sigh)

I will get up, I will get dressed, I will put on my lipstick and fix my hair and

I will suck it up and fake being fine...

Until I really am.



Much love and big hugs
K