I'm Still Here

Once this posts, I will close the "suicide chapter" of my life.

At least that is my plan. 

I am writing this on November 8. It's about 4 am. I am at peace. The demons that have tortured me for months...maybe even years...are silent for now. 

I am going to enjoy this reprieve.

As I struggled to not want to die, 2 women distantly connected to me succeeded in their suicide attempts. I wonder if they had time to regret what they'd done, or if they welcomed the pain that came with the relief of knowing that their struggle was over. Seeing the pain that their family and friends are suffering breaks my heart and I can understand how easy it is for people to think that suicide is an act of selfishness, arrogance, self-absorption, and carelessness...even hatred. 

I know that, in most cases, suicide is not selfish. Most people who kill themselves make the decision to die because they truly believe that they are a burden, a screw up, flawed, and broken. Most people who actually try to die do so in an effort to free the people they love from the burden of being chained to them. Their motive, albeit twisted, is far removed from "selfish." Most people end their lives either feeling that no one loves them or that they do not deserve the love they have received. I also know that this is almost always not the case. Our feelings are so terribly unreliable. I have learned to stop and examine the FACTS apart from my feelings about things. 

In fact, I've learned much these past months. 

I've learned that there is little healing to be found in looking for someone to blame for wanting to die. The desire to die is within us; the healing needed goes far beyond what casting blame can accomplish. While it does help to sort through history and identify unhealthy relationships, history cannot be changed. As an adult, you cannot get the love and acceptance you wanted as a child but did not receive. No amount of finger pointing and blame casting will heal you. Healing is found in looking forward, not back. 

I've learned that you have to fight for healing. IMO-This is something that isn't really discussed enough. Just like with any other disease, you must take action and get the help needed to fight depression. This help comes in many forms including medication, group therapy, a strong support system, inpatient and outpatient care, and counseling. Healing requires you to take care of yourself physically; you must eat well, rest well, and balance work and play. Healing does not fall in your lap. You have to go after it. Some days, no, MOST days, you have to fight for it. You have to want healing. Every moment of the day and night, you have 2 options, fight or give up. 

I choose to fight.

I've learned that healing is incomplete unless your spiritual self is included. I know for an absolute fact that my true healing began when I remembered who I am in relation to God. When I remembered the great lengths Christ went to in pursuit of my heart, remembered that God knit me together, remembered that God works ALL things together for good for those who love him, and remembered all the many times God has already proven Himself faithful to the promises in His Word throughout my life...I started to heal. Without the hope of Heaven, I have no hope. Without the promise that God works ALL things together for good...I have no hope. Without the understanding of the glory God gets for a life lived for Him, I have no hope. Without HOPE, healing is incomplete. 

I have also learned that, just as with the desire to die, the desire for healing is inside you. No one can give it to you. YOU have do decide that you want to be healed of the agonizing pain that makes you long for death. Just as blaming someone for your desire does't heal you, looking to some person to save you doesn't work. The ONLY one who can give you the desire in your soul to live is God. He is ultimately faithful. HE is trustworthy...even when we cant understand WHAT He is doing. No one can make you seek God, but I do know that there is a "God sized hole" in all of us. There is a longing, a never-ending heart ache, that can only be soothed in the arms of God. 

I will close with this promise from Jesus Himself...

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 (NIV)

If you find yourself in the depths of despair; if you believe that the world is better off without you, know this...THAT is an absolute lie from the pit of hell. SATAN comes to ONLY to steal, Kill, and destroy. 

If you have thoughts of suicide, you DO have a choice. You CAN choose to fight. Get the help you need. God has a plan and a purpose for your life. 

Don't cut your story short. 

Big hugs and Much love!

K