Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (NIV)

I believe that every piece of this journey has been important and necessary. I am not and will never be one to say the you "just need more faith" to get well. I am not and will never be one to say "just get over it" if you are depressed or anxious or suffering from any form of mental bondage. I am eternally grateful beyond words for my medication, counseling, and yes, even hospital stays. I will say that these things, though good and necessary, were not enough to truly heal me. God drew me back to Himself, and THAT is when I became whole. These other things treated me physically. Let me say again, they were and are necessary. HOWEVER, they were not able to bring complete healing.

This may (or may not) be my last "suicide survivor" post. 

In every "bad" situation, I try to understand what good God is bringing from my pain. In 2 battles with cancer, God allowed me the distinct privilege of sharing the love of Christ with people I would not have come in contact with had I not been a cancer patient. I will not bore you will all the skeletons in my closet, but will say with complete confidence that GOD does not waste a single hurt. Not a single one. Every terrible, earth shaking, crippling event in my life has given me opportunity to relate to, minister to, and share the love of Christ with at least one woman. Many times, so many times, God used a valley I've traveled through to be the very thing that allowed me to gain the trust of a woman who otherwise seemed quite different from me. This has turned my greatest hurts into treasures...only God could make that happen.

I have a completely new appreciation for Romans 8:28. This verse says "ALL things work TOGETHER for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (As I'm typing this I realize that there will be future posts on this verse)

ALL things (not most things, or SOME things) work TOGETHER.

If I believe Scripture (and I do) then I have to believe that GOD uses ALL things for the good of those who love HIM and are called according to His purpose (that's me).

So

If I believe God's word to be true, then I HAVE to believe that God will use my suicide attempt and my major depressive episode for my GOOD.

MY good

MY good...not someone else's....Mine.

What in the WORLD could POSSIBLY be good about a suicide attempt?  How on EARTH could that work together with ANYTHING to be for my GOOD? 

Oh Honey, Let me tell you.

Through all this...mess...God gave me the one thing I needed more than anything else...the one thing that only HE could give me...

God gave me Himself.

True to His word, He worked all this together for MY good. 

God allowed me to drift from His side. He allowed me to turn away to the point that I could not feel His presence. He allowed me to fall. He allowed all the things I trust in to fail me. He allowed pain so great that my only desire was to end my life. He allowed Satan to deceive me. He allowed darkness to envelop me and steal my breath. 

But HE did not allow me to take my life. If you want to get completely "in the Battle" with me...He did not allow Satan to take my life.

God will allow terrible things. He will. He does it out of His undying and overpowering love for us. He KNOWS that MY greatest need is HIM. My soul CRAVES my Savior. I need Jesus like I need air to breathe. 

I forgot how GOOD it feels to FEEL God's presence, to KNOW that He will absolutely NEVER leave me or forsake me, to TRUST Him with every breath I take. I forgot. I just forgot. I forgot how much I need Him...Because He has been a constant in my life for so long...I FORGOT how desperately I NEED Him. 

I became religious. To be honest, I became quite legalistic. Over time, I lost sight of the NEED I have for a Savior. I came to depend on people, on rules, on systems and..on myself. I believed I had a pretty good grip on life and how to make things work, so I figured God could focus on someone who "really needs" Him. 

Oh... forgive me. 

God, in an act of unconditional love, allowed me to remember what life is like apart from Him. Out of His LOVE for me, He allowed me to feel the ache in my soul that comes from being distant from Him. HE allowed me to feel His absence so that I would REMEMBER how much I LOVE Him, how much I NEED Him, and ONLY Him.

HE allowed me to go through the deepest darkest valley I can imagine... so that I would understand my need for Him, so that I would ask Him to save me....

again

And, when I finally asked Him to save me from the darkness that was drowning me...

HE DID

Much love and big, big hugs...

K