Thursday Thoughts on...being the most unfit girl in "Boot Camp"

I am writing this on Monday evening. Today was the first day of "boot camp." I'm writing this tonight because I want to make sure to record how I feel today.

I woke up at 4 and was across town and in the gym by 4:40. I was pretty excited. I overcame the first obstacle: getting out of bed and out of the house before 4:20 am.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself. 

I got to the gym and anxiety started to build. I didn't know anyone, didn't know what to do, where to go... I felt so very awkward and out of place. I followed others to where I hoped I was supposed to be, and stood by myself wishing I could just melt into the floor and disappear. Others obviously knew each other. I felt very much like an outsider...out of place, alone, insignificant.

One person introduced himself,  and then introduced me to the rest of those standing around. They were on their 2nd 12 week program. Anxiety was replaced by fear. What if I can't do this?

We weighed in. No surprise there... 251. The girl in front of me was about my height and I saw that she weighed in at my goal weight. Now I know what it looks like. She looks amazing. Later, she killed her push ups and ran the mile like it was nothing. She's my hero.

We lined up and did some  "warm ups". By the time we finished, I was sucking wind. Absolutely could not catch my breath. This is the first time I felt tears welling up in my eyes. How am I going to do this if I can't even get through the WARM UP without gasping for breath? The warm up was harder than any exercise I've done... maybe ever.

The rest of the morning was made up of different exercises to determine our beginning level of fitness. Spoiler alert... I am unfit. Is there a such thing as Negative fitness? If so, put my name in that category... I am the most unfit girl in class. Took me 32 seconds to complete the sprint. I didn't hear anyone else finish with a time over 28. Took me 16.2 minutes to complete the mile. I could not do one single push up and sit ups were a serious struggle. It was awful. All of it was awful. I was last or almost last in everything. 3rd from last finishing the mile. Thing is, as terrible as the exercises were, the emotional toll was so much worse.

The reality of how out of shape I am is devastating. I was... I am ... absolutely crushed. I simply cannot do the exercises. It's not that I don't want to or that I wasn't trying hard enough. I absolutely could not do it.  Tears welled up in my eyes and mingled with the sweat on my face more than once. It took as much effort to control my emotions as it took to jog and what not. I cried all the way home from the gym. 

I feel like a failure. I feel fat and ugly and terribly uncoordinated and all kinds of awkward. I thought I would be proud that I made it through today, but I'm not. I'm devastated. I really thought that I would be able to push myself to keep up with everyone. I even considered that I should be prepared to encourage others... cause ya know.. some would be struggling and would need support... and encouraging folks is kinda my thing, right? Turns out I was the one who needed encouragement, I was the one who wanted to cry and I was the one who wanted to quit. I was the one who COULD NOT KEEP UP. This is the most humbling thing I have experienced in a long time... maybe ever. 

But... I guess I'm gonna do it all again tomorrow... and the next day... and every day for the next 12 weeks.

Cause I don't want to ever feel like I felt today. It was truly dreadful.

Just my thoughts...

K

PS - As of today (Thursday), I made it through the first week! I really surprised myself. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I haven't died and I haven't quit (came REALLY close more than once). More on that tomorrow....