It is easier for me to write about mental illness, suicide, and recovery than it is to write about my weight. It's hard to face the truth about my body.
This week I realized that, whether I put words to it or not, it is obvious I am overweight. No one who knows me will be shocked when I say that I need to lose 100 pounds. No one who knows me will gasp upon reading that I am a size 16. It's not like I can hide 100 pounds. To think otherwise is to live in denial... which is what I've been doing. In this time of selfies, where we can control the angle and lighting of every photo, it is EASY to live in denial... until you see a video of yourself on the big screen at church... where you look like an overweight giant... which is what I experienced on this past Sunday.
It's time to face reality.
The most embarrassing thing about all this is that I already tried to lose this weight... more than once. Each time, I declare "This time I'm serious!" and "This time I won't quit!" and "This time I will reach my goal!"I formulate a detailed plan and get off to a good start... and each time I give up. I feel like a failure, a phony, a fraud.
100 pounds is a lot of weight to shed.
People say "You could lose that in a year!" and I think "Do you KNOW how long a year is?"
I JUST realized that I've been fat for 14 years.
Maybe a year isn't so long after all.
And to be perfectly honest... I hate my body. I hate being out of breath. I hate my heart racing. I hate having the shape of a blob. I hate the way I look...period. I hate how round my face is, how big my arms and legs are, and my middle is just... gross. I hate the way my clothes fit. I hate getting dressed, buying clothes, walking up the stairs...even getting off the couch has become a struggle. The worst part of this is that I have done it to myself.
I also want to point out that I absolutely realize that my appearance is NOT who I am. I absolutely believe that my value is completely and totally dependent on who I am in Christ. That being said... being unhealthy by choice is not glorifying to the One who created me. He did not create me to be impaired by my weight. So, it's time to do something to change all this.
I really hope that there are other women out there who have tried to get in shape and given up more times than they can count, but are willing to give it one more shot. I mean, I hate it for you, because I know how it feels... and it feels pretty awful. Quite honestly, I just need to know that I am not the only one battling this. It's frustrating. It's discouraging. It's depressing.
But... alone or not... I'm giving it another go.
I do not have an elaborate plan. I know, this is shocking to me too, but elaborate plans have not worked so far. I'm just doing... something.
I have signed up for "Boot Camp" because I need help and motivation. It is 12 weeks long and starts May 14.
I THOUGHT that I would wait to start this journey when I start boot camp... but then I saw this...
So, I'm rethinking the non-plan. If I start now (I'm writing this on Monday Morning), I figure Boot Camp will start up about the time I get discouraged and want to quit and HOPEFULLY will give me the motivation I need to push through.
Also, if I start now, maybe I won't die the first week of Boot Camp.
Tomorrow I will record my beginning weight and measurements and recap what I've done this week.
It's hard to lose 100 pounds...
It is harder to hate myself for needing to lose 100 pounds.
Just my thoughts.
K
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