People have reached out to me over this past year after reading my journey to healing and told me that my story gives them hope and courage. I don't want to portray a false image. I don't want you to think I woke up one day and everything was all good. I don't want to give you false hope. So many have messaged me or emailed me saying that they too struggle with anxiety and depression... I feel it would be wrong not to acknowledge that I still have some really bad days...or weeks.
I'm actually writing this on August 21. I'm not sure why I do this, other than to prove to myself that things do always get better. By the time this posts, I will be fine. I'm sure of it.
But today I'm not.
I am struggling against crippling anxiety or perhaps fear...maybe both... I'm not sure. All I do know is that my chest hurts, my heart is racing and I have an over-reaching feeling of impending doom. I feel on the verge of panic... like if one unexpected thing happens, I will have a full blown come apart.
Whatever this is, it is affecting my dreams; twice I have dreamed that someone was trying to murder me and I was fleeing, hiding, barely escaping time and time again. My attacker was formless, but unrelenting.
I want to curl up in a ball. I want to get in my bed and bury myself in the covers until this passes. I know it will pass... but goodness... what will happen between now and that time? I am paralyzed. I am afraid... but of what exactly? There is nothing specific... more of a general feeling that "everything" is about to fall apart.
I keep telling myself, "just get through today."
I keep reminding myself that this will pass...
and it will.
By the time you read this, I will be just fine... But today want to sit in my car and have a really good, long ugly cry.
I can't explain why, and that's frustrating.
Nothing is different today than it was a week ago... or a month ago. I'm just in that place- whatever "that place" is. It has no name, but I can tell you what it feels like... cold and damp and dark and vast. It feels like...nothing...and everything; like being suspended on a razor's edge above an endless pit of darkness with nothing to hold on to. It feels like almost falling, like being startled by something that isn't really there. It's the monster under the bed or in the closet. It is whatever you fear you will see lurking at the end of the hallway or in the corner of the room when you turn on the light in the middle of the night. It is the paralyzing feeling of being on verge of absolute terror. It is a darkness darker than the blackest moonless night... it is emptiness, longing, sadness, grief, and regret all rolled into a heaviness that rests solidly on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Sleep has been my only escape and now what ever this is has found me in my dreams.
I am shaken.
I just want to escape, to run away, to sleep until the darkness lifts. This is all futile because this is inside me, part of me...I think it will always find a way to torment me. The hope I have is NOT in that I will never again find myself in this dark place, the HOPE is that God will walk me through it when I find myself here.
You may wonder how I can say that I have beat this when I am obviously still battling against the darkness that wants to consume me.
That's a bit tricky to explain... I choose fight. I do what I need to do to keep the darkness from completely overtaking me. Even on days like today, when everything in me is screaming to quit, to give up, to just let the darkness take over... I choose to fight. Rather than closing my eyes and slipping quietly into the abyss of a major depressive episode, I cling to Christ and the hope I have in Him.
Granted, some days (like today) "fighting" looks a lot like barely breathing. Today my battle plan it to take the next breath, and the next, and the one after that. That's honestly the best I can do today.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I still acknowledge tomorrow. This is what my relationship with Christ gives me... hope that I have a purpose and will have a purpose tomorrow, comfort in knowing that I am loved by the creator of the universe, and knowledge and understanding that the thoughts my mind is giving me are not of God, but rather from my enemy...and my enemy will not win this battle in the end. Even though things are very dark today, I do believe that the sun will rise...maybe so soon as tomorrow.
If you find yourself in this dark place, please keep taking the next breath. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hope for a brighter day tomorrow.
And until that brighter day comes...
I will sit with you in the dark.
just my thoughts
k
I'm actually writing this on August 21. I'm not sure why I do this, other than to prove to myself that things do always get better. By the time this posts, I will be fine. I'm sure of it.
But today I'm not.
I am struggling against crippling anxiety or perhaps fear...maybe both... I'm not sure. All I do know is that my chest hurts, my heart is racing and I have an over-reaching feeling of impending doom. I feel on the verge of panic... like if one unexpected thing happens, I will have a full blown come apart.
Whatever this is, it is affecting my dreams; twice I have dreamed that someone was trying to murder me and I was fleeing, hiding, barely escaping time and time again. My attacker was formless, but unrelenting.
I want to curl up in a ball. I want to get in my bed and bury myself in the covers until this passes. I know it will pass... but goodness... what will happen between now and that time? I am paralyzed. I am afraid... but of what exactly? There is nothing specific... more of a general feeling that "everything" is about to fall apart.
I keep telling myself, "just get through today."
I keep reminding myself that this will pass...
and it will.
By the time you read this, I will be just fine... But today want to sit in my car and have a really good, long ugly cry.
I can't explain why, and that's frustrating.
Nothing is different today than it was a week ago... or a month ago. I'm just in that place- whatever "that place" is. It has no name, but I can tell you what it feels like... cold and damp and dark and vast. It feels like...nothing...and everything; like being suspended on a razor's edge above an endless pit of darkness with nothing to hold on to. It feels like almost falling, like being startled by something that isn't really there. It's the monster under the bed or in the closet. It is whatever you fear you will see lurking at the end of the hallway or in the corner of the room when you turn on the light in the middle of the night. It is the paralyzing feeling of being on verge of absolute terror. It is a darkness darker than the blackest moonless night... it is emptiness, longing, sadness, grief, and regret all rolled into a heaviness that rests solidly on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Sleep has been my only escape and now what ever this is has found me in my dreams.
I am shaken.
I just want to escape, to run away, to sleep until the darkness lifts. This is all futile because this is inside me, part of me...I think it will always find a way to torment me. The hope I have is NOT in that I will never again find myself in this dark place, the HOPE is that God will walk me through it when I find myself here.
You may wonder how I can say that I have beat this when I am obviously still battling against the darkness that wants to consume me.
That's a bit tricky to explain... I choose fight. I do what I need to do to keep the darkness from completely overtaking me. Even on days like today, when everything in me is screaming to quit, to give up, to just let the darkness take over... I choose to fight. Rather than closing my eyes and slipping quietly into the abyss of a major depressive episode, I cling to Christ and the hope I have in Him.
Granted, some days (like today) "fighting" looks a lot like barely breathing. Today my battle plan it to take the next breath, and the next, and the one after that. That's honestly the best I can do today.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I still acknowledge tomorrow. This is what my relationship with Christ gives me... hope that I have a purpose and will have a purpose tomorrow, comfort in knowing that I am loved by the creator of the universe, and knowledge and understanding that the thoughts my mind is giving me are not of God, but rather from my enemy...and my enemy will not win this battle in the end. Even though things are very dark today, I do believe that the sun will rise...maybe so soon as tomorrow.
If you find yourself in this dark place, please keep taking the next breath. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hope for a brighter day tomorrow.
And until that brighter day comes...
I will sit with you in the dark.
just my thoughts
k
No comments:
Post a Comment