I think that, if I could sum up the first 45.5 years of my life, that phrase would do it.
In my July 19 post about all the things that have changed in the 12 months since my failed suicide attempt, I mentioned that I've realized not everyone I want in my life, nor everyone I think "should" be in my life, really wants to be there. I want to elaborate on that today, because the realization was life changing for me.
I suppose my definition of love is skewed. I identify "love" as wanting to spend time with someone, understanding someone, and valuing their uniqueness. I realize now that these 3 things were missing from key relationships in my childhood. It makes sense that these are the things I would seek as I grew up.
When I was a young girl, I told outrageous stories in hopes of being good enough to win the affection of adults in my life or to make those relationships appear more meaningful than they really were. Looking back on it now, I see that I was trying to compensate for what was missing... meaningful relationships with key people in my life.
For as long as I can remember, I tried to earn the love of people who couldn't (or wouldn't) see me as someone worthy of their time, understanding, appreciation and affection. I denied myself the right to be upset, hurt, or angry when I felt disrespected, misunderstood, forgotten or neglected. I believed that people did not value me it was because I was flawed, not because of anything broken in them.
Today I am in a very different place. I'm no longer sacrificing myself in order to pour into relationships that continue to empty me out and cause me pain.
Sadly, I have allowed a few unhealthy relationships to overshadow the numerous healthy relationships God has given me. I've allowed a few unhealthy relationships to define me, allowed them to determine my perception of my value and worth, and, most of all, I allowed people who are unable to love make me feel unlovable.
I'm letting go of the expectations I have of relationships. I'm allowing them to just be what they are. I have no intention of rejecting anyone, nor do I intend to remove myself from anyone's life. In some relationships, I have been expected to make up for other's poor choices; to insure against the natural consequences of their actions. I'm just not going to do that anymore. I'm setting up some healthy boundaries. I no longer believe that I am solely responsible for making relationships work, and am accepting the realization that not everyone I want in my life wants to be there... and that's okay.
This feels freeing.
This feel positive.
Much love and big hugs
K
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