Sunday, June 26, 2011

Below the surface

Had a great weekend with family and friends. Getting ready for Sunday School and Worship Service, but wanted to stop and write before another day goes by.
On the surface, everything is so very uneventful. I found out that I can get my radiation where ever I choose. That's good...but I don;t know how to choose. So, I'm praying about it and asking God to guide me to the right place. Maybe it doesn't matter, but what if it does? I just don;t want my throat burned up. I want as little damage to the good parts of my neck as possible. I also want someone who can help me understand all of the side effects and who can explain the risk of getting a seconfary cancer from the radiation against the benefit of the radiation.
Most of all, I need someone to explain to me why I have this cancer again. I absolutely do not smoke or drink and those are the primary causes of it. If no one knows why it came back, then how do we know it won't come back again...maybe that's another reason for the radiation.
Maybe this battle will be one I fight for the rest of my life. Had no idea that I'd be here again.
So, on the surface, things are pretty uneventful. There is a lot going on below the surface though. God is working on my heart and preparing me for the rest of this journey.
Its kind of interesting how much the way I view this whole mess affects my attitude. I REALLY believe that God has ALL of this under control. I REALLY believe that He is going to heal me again. Not so sure that I won't find myself right here a third or fourth time, but never the less, I do believe that He will heal me.
When I focus on the cancer and all the "what ifs", I get anxious and aggrivated and frustrated.
When I focus on my family and friends, I get sad.
Wen I focus on the doctors, I get nervous...what if they are wrong, or miss something, or mess up?
BUT when I focus on Christ and all He has done for me and all the ways HE has blessed me and used me...I'm okay. Really okay.
I believe that GOD never fails. I believe that He has a plan and a purpose in ALL things. I believe that He does not give His children more burden than He will help them carry. I believe that He loves me and that He absolutely knows the name of every fear and uncertainty that I have. I also know that HE knows exactly what the outcome of all of this is going to be. I believe that His ways are not mine and His thoughts are not mine....and I don't have to understand what He's doing in order for Him to accomplish His work in me.
We live in a fallen world. Our lives and our bodies bear the scars of the sinful world we live in. Bad things happen. God never fails. Even in the midst of things such as cancer, God is at work. I want to be used by Him. I want my cancer journey to be a testimony to my Father in Heaven. I want my cancer journey to encourage others to know Him more intimately, to trust Him more, to live for Him more. I want those who know me best to witness the effect of God's presence in my life.

Father God,
Thank you so much for this quiet time with you. Thank you for speaking to my heart and reminding me that there are massively amazing things that can come from this. Thank you for reminding me that You have got everything under control and that people I love are watching my relationship with you grow.
Lord, draw me close to you. Give me peace and rest as we walk this road. No one can help me Lord but you. Only you can give me peace and strength and courage. Thank you for surrounding me with incredible friends too numerous to count and for the encouragement they provide.
I love You Lord and I am oh so grateful that you love me.

As Always,
K
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