Thursday, February 18, 2010
been gone too long
I have been absent for too long. It always makes me feel better to write. As I have said before, I enjoy sharing what God is doing in my life and in the lives of my friends and family and it seems that seeing my troubles in print makes them much less troubling. Sometimes though, I find myself in circumstances that i don't quite know how to share here. I pull out my prayer journal and write there until things make sense again. This has been the case lately.....but things are making sense angain and I am back.
I have been in the most tremendous battle for about a month. I cannot even put words to it, other than to say that ….well…for the first time in a very very very long time, I finally gave up and just wanted to go to bed and stay there til it was over.
Today I remembered that I challenged Satan a while back. Told him to hit me with his best shot. I had a friend that had been ripped from his grasp and I told him “you cannot have her back, she is on our side now, I will fight you for her”….well, I underestimated him….I think….or maybe I just got tired of fighting. (this has ben going on since late last year) He did not attack my marriage, my job, my church, my family, or my friends. He made it personal and attacked me…just me. He has made me doubt everything I have lived for these past 15 years. He reminded me of every terrible choice I have ever made. He has reminded me of every failure and every flaw. He berated me with different versions of “How could you ever think that God would use YOU?” until I actually began to consider that maybe this was not Satan but a wakeup call….How could God use me? I have been fooling myself all this time and just playing “church lady”. It is a joke.
Honestly, I let Satan suck the very life out of me. I thought that I could storm the gates of hell and declare war on Satan and he would not react.
2 things happened….
He DID react….and I forgot my verse….
The one who is in me is GREATER than the one who is in the world.
Not even sure why I am telling all of you this other than to ask you to pray for me…with no drama please. To be honest, I am a bit embarrassed about it and don’t want to talk about it. I am fine now that I realize what the heck is going on. However, I am fairly sure that Satan would be glad to have me off his list of worries (as he would any of you), so just pray for me if you think about it.
I am much less freaked out about this in light of remembering my challenge to Satan some 3-4 months ago.
As with everything, I cannot imagine that I am the only one that has gone through this….so I’m sharing
Hugs all around,
ps...sweet Izzy learned how to tie her shoes today and Brian passed the test to get into the Jr High band. Man! I love those kids!