What are You Doing Here?

What Are You Doing Here? Of everything Calvin said in the sermon this morning, that was the phrase that I got hung up on. He preached from 1 Kings 19. The main idea behind the sermon was that God was at work in Elijah's life and Elijah was too hung up on what was visible and real to him at that very moment (Jezebel wanting to kill him) to see what GOD was doing. God was using Elijah in a mighty way and, because he could not see what God was doing, Elijah actually wanted to die. I can soooo relate to this great prophet. Last week i too was hiding in a cave asking "why me?" A week can make a world of difference and I am, thankfully, in a much better place today.

Still, the question that keeps haunting me is "what are you doing here?"

This morning I felt as if God Himself sat down beside me and whispered "What are you doing here?" and I had to tell Him, "I don't know." But I do. In my heart, I do know what i am doing here. I am just sharing my heart. He has not asked anything more of me than that.

My earnest prayer has been that he will continue to grow me through this and that once I am on the other side I can look back on this time in my life and be joyfully thankful for this trial. To be honest, I am not so joyful these days. I am submitted, and I am willing, but most of all I am waiting. Waiting on God to move. Waiting on God to show me the meaning in all of this, as if that will make the journey easier or more meaningful. This morning I realized that submitting to His plan is not enough. Being willing to follow Him is not enough; not for me at this point in my journey anyway. I must find joy in knowing my Savior. I must find joy in knowing that the creator of the universe desires to have a relationship with me. My joy rests not in the hope that God will deliver me from this horrid silence, but in the fact that He has already delivered me from spending eternity without Him.

I believe that God will bring me through this on His terms and that on the other side I will be stronger in my faith and more consistent in my walk and will have an amazing testimony. He has held me in His arms over the past week and let me fall to pieces time and time again. He has waited patiently while I pouted and sobbed because I don't understand why He won't just go ahead and give me my voice back. Do I or do I not believe that He has a plan and a purpose in my life? Do I or do I not believe that HIS plan is perfect and is not dependent on my understanding of it? Do I or do I not believe that He knows what He is doing and that His way is best? Of course I do. I do believe and I now realize that succumbing to the "Blues" or frustration because this is not working out the way I had imagined is only stealing my witness.

Whether or not He sees fit to give me my voice back, I will continue to praise Him. I will seek the goodness in each day as He sends it to me and will not let the fact that I cannot speak weaken my witness. Whether or not I can speak does not change who He is or what He has done. Even if He never restores my voice, God is STILL God. He is still my Creator, my Father, my Savior, and the lover of my soul. The fact that I cannot speak does not change the fact that HE is still perfectly amazing and that HE is still at work. I count it a double blessing that I am able to seek new ways to serve Him and am longing for Him in a way I have never known.

Hugs,

K