My heart hurts. Seems I say that a lot now. Maybe I don't say it out loud, but I think those words many times daily.
This isn't some metaphorical something or a vague reflection of something I don't want to deal with. It is a tangible feeling. It feels like a heavy emptiness resting in my chest. It has taken up residence primarily in the space below my breast bone, between my ribs, nestled in with my lungs and heart. It rests just ok beneath any laughter, any smile, any celebration... it is a heavy sad empty smothering something that mostly reminds me of the many ways that I should be doing better, trying harder, giving more. I have not always carried it with me, but I cannot remember what it feels like to be free of it.
My heart hurts because life at 50 is not what I imagined. My heart hurts because I long for something or someone to make me less broken, less fragile, less vulnerable. My heart aches for something or someone to help me find meaning in all this that is my life. My heart aches because I'm lonely - I long for deep meaningful relationships, but I am not brave enough to let anyone really know me. I could go on...
I was happier when I had cancer than I am now. That may seem strange. When I had cancer, I knew I had no control over what was happening to me and I chose to lean fully on Christ. During those years, everything was about Jesus and I saw Jesus's hand in everything. I felt His presence in my life and His influence on my soul. During that time and the time shortly after, loving Jesus gave my life meaning. Jesus was my compass. Everything revolved around my love for Christ and serving Him... and I was mostly happy.
I realize now that I have not loved Jesus deeply for quite some time. This didn't happen all at once. I passively got lazy in my relationship with Christ. Things were generally okay in my life and I felt I could handle things on my own. Once I'd started losing my connection with Christ, multiple situations wrecked my life and hurt me so deeply that I questioned God's sovereignty. I spent several different extended periods of time with an overwhelming feeling of abandonment. I angrily cried "Why would you allow this, God? Why won’t you stop this? Why won't you fix it? Why have you abandoned me?" I didn't get any answers, and those painful situations didn't change or go away so I tried to find peace and comfort in people and things. All the things I've used to soothe my soul over the past several years have also caused me some level of pain...not because they were bad, but because they weren't meant to soothe my soul.
So here I am... and my heart hurts.
I've been completely in love with Christ and then drifted away from Him. I've leaned heavily on Jesus and then felt that life was easy enough to handle without Him. I feel like a hypocrite now that I realize how far I have drifted from who I believe God created me to be, but it's not like I stopped believing in Jesus... I just lost sight of how desperately I need Him. I know I'm not the only one.
My heart was made to love Jesus. I have never been happier or more content than when I've been completely focused on Christ. This is who I am. I am Christ's. My heart was created for Him. When Jesus saved my soul, He changed me. Knowing Christ made me a different person. Nothing has truly soothed my aching heart over the past 8-10 years because it belongs to Christ. I am so very thankful to have a Savior who knows my heart. I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit has drawn me back to Christ, because Christ loves me best. I am so thankful that God is about restoration and redemption and healing and love.
The longer I live, the more thankful I am for the imperfect people in the Bible. Tonight I feel a special connection to David. I'll close with some of the verses from his prayer in Psalm 51. They are especially healing to my heart tonight.
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Hugs!
K
