The Struggle With Telling My "Suicide Story"

It's been almost 2 months since I tried to take my life. It seems like a lifetime ago, and at the same time feels like yesterday. Honestly, I want very much to just put the whole situation in a box, put a lid on it, tape it up tight and bury it deep deep down so that I never have to think about it again. Sitting at the keyboard and forcing myself to think through this each week is...well, it's hard.

I struggle with a few things as I sort through all this.

I don't ever want anyone to look to my blog as a source of "what to do" or "what no to do" when considering suicide. I spent weeks looking online and reading about the different ways to end my life, the probability of success with different methods, the pain involved, etc. I don't want to add my story to that source of information. Suicide is not the answer to any sort of troubles, no matter what those troubles are. I read something recently that I have taken to heart: "Suicide doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers it to another person." I have found this to be so true. My suicide attempt hurt many people. I cannot imagine what a successful attempt would have done to them.

I don't want to glamorize suicide. There is absolutely nothing good or glamorous about it. It is a desperate act by a desperate person whose pain is so great that the only way they can see to end the pain is to end their life. Again, ending your life doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers the pain from you to the people who love you. Suicide is terrible. There is nothing good about it.  I don't ever want my writing about my struggle with it to be "cool" or "interesting". It is sad. That's all. Just very very sad.

My goal in writing about this part of my life is simple. 

I want to share the little things that lead up to that night, because I didn't just wake up one day and decide life wasn't worth living.

I want to share what happened the night I tried to kill myself. There is something amazing in the midst of all the terrible devastation that is so totally worth sharing.

I want to share my journey to healing and becoming whole. This is the main thing I want to share, but in order to share this, I have to share (and come to grips with) how I got here in the first place. 

If you are just now joining my story, it's like starting a book in the middle. I think you will better understand these and future posts if you go back and read my posts from 2009 - 2011. I think that will give you a better understanding of who I am, what is important to me, and why my suicide attempt is so... strange. 

I have struggled with telling the story of "that night," but I know I need to. I need to be honest with myself about how that all went down. 

I guess I've chickened out today. I've had 2 really great days and I still don't have many of those. Going down that dark path and focusing on how it felt the night I tried to end my life is just not something I want to do today. My plan is to discuss all those little things that lead up to the point that I thought the world would be better off without me when I post next week. The week after that I will describe the events of the day I tried to end my life. The next few posts after that will be about being hospitalized and trial and error with different counselors. THEN we can move on to where I actually am NOW....on the road to healing.

There is a huge part of me that wants to just forget all about this. If I don't record it, I will definitely put it in a box and hide it away. It is important for me to remember how I got here....because I don't EVER want to find myself in that place where the only thought in my head is that I want to die.

Bug Hugs!

K

The lies I've Told Myself

I have been amazed at the number of people who have reached out to me after my last post. I will admit that my first reaction was...well...panic. I didn't realize that so many people read my words. It was VERY tempting to delete those last two posts and hope everyone would forget about all this.

Obviously I changed my mind.

I don't want this to define me. I don't in ANY way want to glorify suicide or suicidal thoughts. However, I'm not the only person, the only Christian, or even the only Pastor's wife who has tried to commit suicide. Thankfully I'm still here. Now I'm left to work through all this and writing is the best way for me to do that. If you want to tag along, that's fine with me. I feel like this will be a long and winding road to healing. Maybe, just maybe, my journey will give hope to someone else who is fighting this battle. That's really the only good I can see coming from this terrible ordeal. Anyway...I'm still trying to understand how I came to the place where I actually believed that I should die.

For as long as I can remember, what I felt, thought, or wanted was irrelevant, so long as I said and did what I "should." I honestly cannot tell you if this is something was actually taught, or simply the way I learned to cope with difficult people and situations. Either way, when faced with...well, anything...the thought that immediately goes through my head is "you should..."

You should say...

You should be...                 

You should act...

OR "You shouldn't"...

                              

You shouldn't let that upset you.

You shouldn't be so selfish/needy/prideful/ etc.
You shouldn't feel that way.

Until recently, I thought this was how everyone's brain worked and it never dawned on me to do anything differently.  I believed that, in order to be loved, I had to please the people in my life, and I thought I could do that if I always reacted and behaved the way I "should."

 As time went on, I realized that there are people who are going to be displeased with me. That realization, coupled with the unrealistic expectations I put on myself, quickly lead to constant thoughts that sound something like this: "you are a failure, You ALWAYS let people down, you will never get it right, you are a disaster, you mess up everything" which all lead up the the most hurtful and powerful lie of all:

"Everyone would be better off without you."

That was the dominant thought in my head and feeling in my heart on July 19, 2017. "Everyone would be better off without you." Doesn't matter that it isn't true. Doesn't matter that it makes no sense. At that point in time, that was what I believed and THAT was enough to convince me to take my own life.

It's important to me to make sure that I record that this didn't happen all at once. It was the result of years and years of conditioning myself to avoid conflict at all costs. It was the result of a lifetime of desperately wanting people close to me to see value in me, to love me, and to be proud of who I am...and a life time of falling short of their expectations.

This isn't a pity party. I'm not feeling "oh poor me." What I feel is quite the opposite really. I'm realizing that trying to earn some people's favor is futile. I'm realizing that trying to earn someone's love is futile. I'm learning that there are some people who will never be proud of the woman I've become; there are people who will always choose someone else's happiness and well-being over mine; there are people who will try to manipulate me in an effort to feel powerful and "in control".

I'm in no way attempting to "blame" anyone for where I am. I'm realizing that some people consistently cause me anxiety and pain. I'm realizing that it is just as important to protect myself as it is to make others happy.

All that is so easy to say...I'm not sure what that will feel like to actually put actions to those words. This is very foreign to me. I have always thought that putting others first at all costs made me a good person. I didn't realize that this is unhealthy.

Last week I talked about how feelings are unreliable. They are fickle and can cause confusion. It is important to me that I keep track of the facts in this...So, Here's what I know to be true:

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Making others happy and/or to pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I just realized that this whole "adjusting my attitude, likes, wants, and needs so that I please people"  and "doing whatever i have to in order to earn people's love" train of thought goes against scripture. God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. HE made me just the way HE wants me to be to accomplish what HE wants from my life. I don't have to be different than the way He created me to be in order to be "good enough"... but that is a post for another day.

Much love and big hugs!
K

When Feelings Scream Louder Than Facts

On July 19th I tried to kill myself. There's really no easy way to say that; no way to make it less offensive or shocking. I don't know that I will ever be able to say those words without hesitation. This wasn't a cry for help or a plea for attention. I fully intended to end my life. That was my only goal. I am still working through the answer(s) to the most asked question, which is of course, "Why??"

There is no easy answer. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, our church, and our community. I love my role as "pastor wife." I have lots of friends. There is really nothing I want to escape from...well, except for myself. Can't really escape myself. That's the one thing that I'm definitely stuck with. I'm still working thru all the things I don't like about me. That's a post for another day.

Another question that is often asked (although no one has asked me this to my face) is "How can a Christian commit suicide?"  I have asked this same question many times myself before July of this year. Now, my honest answer is that a Christian can feel hopelessness, despair, uncertainty, fear, and self loathing just like anyone else. A Christian can feel discouraged. A Christian can feel empty and alone. A Christian can feel overwhelmed by guilt. Being a Christian does not give a person super-powered immunity to the feelings that life's circumstances (and poor choices) bring with them. 

As a Christian, I also know that Jesus died for all my sin; I need not feel shame or guilt for the many ways I have fallen short of the Glory of God. As a Christian I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord; I can trust that God will work out all my circumstances so that my life brings Him glory. As a Christian, I know that God is, was, and is to come; I need not fear the future....God is already there. As a Christian, I know that Jesus came to give life and give it more abundantly; I need not look outside God's protection for fulfillment. As a Christian, I know that  God does not give me a spirit of fear. As a Christian I know that I HAVE joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; these are MY gifts, given to me by the Holy Spirit. As a Christian, I know God will never leave me or forsake me. As a Christian, I absolutely positively without a shadow of a doubt know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. As a Christian I also know that in this world I will have trouble...but that I can find strength in the fact that Jesus has overcome the world.

A Christian can commit suicide just like a non-Christian when feelings scream louder than facts. 

The thing I forgot to remember is that feelings are NOT facts; they are not reliable; they are fickle; and they are easily manipulated by the enemy of our souls. (But that is another post for another day)

Today, a little over a month after I cut my arms, wrists, and hands in a effort to end my life, my feelings are still screaming. My heart hurts. My thoughts are scrambled. My emotions are all over the place. I am absolutely torn between what I know to be true (I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of the Universe and that Jesus Christ died to pay the penalty for my sin and rose again so that I can spend eternity in heaven) and what I feel (I am worthless, a failure, and the people I love and the world in general would be better off without me). What I KNOW and what I FEEL are very different things and I am struggling every day to give less voice to my feelings and more to what I know to be true of myself in relationship to Jesus Christ.

Along with the things I mentioned above, there are some other things I know for certain: 

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I'm still a bit foggy on most everything else. 

Much love and big hugs

K