It has become increasingly harder for me to find time to write. Now that I am not "sick", radiation is over, and my Dr. visits are spread out more, I am able to focus on getting back to "normal". Also, I am not at home in the bed with nothing to do these days!

However, "normal" is nothing like what it was 5 years ago when this all started. All in all, it is a good thing, in most areas it is a great thing. Cancer taught me, my family, and my closest friends that God can do amazingly great things in the middle to terrible circumstances, if we follow Him through the valley. God grew me through those years of being sick. He matured me spiritually and emotionally.

There were some other things that went on during that time that forced me to "grow up" as well, things that I won't go into here because it would only reflect poorly on the people involved. I learned a lot about forgiveness and about how HARD it can be to forgive someone. I learned that the best way to deal with gossip is to confront it head on, get everyone in a room and talk it out. I learned that people will make assumptions about a person based on THEIR history and THEIR feelings and beliefs and emotions more so than on those of the person they are making assumptions about. I learned that God can use ALL "bad" circumstances for His Glory....if we turn to Him and follow Him and do things HIS way. I learned that you are responsible for your actions and your words...no matter how you FEEL.

Galatians 2 talks about dying to self and letting Christ live in me. This is a wonderful feel-good concept, unless you really look at what it says and really commit to live this way.

Galatians 2: 19-20 says:
¹⁹ “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. ²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ²¹ I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

It  is easy for me to claim "I no longer am bound by the law!!" It is, however, just as easy for me to place that yoke of bondage on others (you need to be in Sunday School, you need to be in church, you need to read your Bible every day, you dont need to wear skirts that short, you need to stop using foul language, you need  to....). God did not call me to be the legalism police. How often we act as "fruit inspectors" and pass judgement on people and their spiritual condition without even CONSIDERING what FRUIT is!!! Galatians 5:22-23 says "²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
When we "inspect" people's spiritual life, what do we look for? The ONLY things we can use to determine whether a person os TRULY growing as a Christian is to inspect their fruit...
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. THESE are the things we are given by the Holy Spirit. A person who never misses a Sunday morning church service, but is not kind, gentle, peacful, joyful, faithful, patient, loving, and self controlled is just another body inthe pew on Sunday Morning. Being there every Sunday does not make a person a mature Christian. Yet, we are often more concerned with someone's church attendence than we are their God given Fruit.

It is easy to claim grace for myself and trust God to forgive me. IT is harder for me to extend that same level of grace to others.

It is easy to say "I am not the person I was before I knew Christ", but much harder to "die" to what I want for MY life every day so that I can be who GOD wants me to be.

It is easy to trust that Jesus died for my sins so that I can go to heaven when I die, but harder to live each day as a new creation in Jesus Christ.

It is hard to live and speak and act and love in such a way that those who see me do not see me, but see CHRIST in me.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
So simple, yet so complex.

So, not that I am "well", my posts will naturally move on to other things...like marriage, kids, work...all the stuff we all deal with every day.

BUT before we go there, I am 6 months cancer free (the 2nd time) and my voice IS improving. I am doing physical therapy to correct a lot of the damage done by all the surgeries and radiation...and to correct bad posture habits I have developed along the way.

I'll see Doc S on Friday for my bi-monthly check up. I am taking the rest of the day off to spend with the kiddos.

I'll let ya know how the Dr visit goes.

Hugs!
K

 

Just Catching Up

So much time has passed!
I am healthy, so far as I know. My next appointments are the 24th. I'll see Doc S and Dr Pak as well as see Josie for Voice therapy that day. If anything is amiss, they will find it! I don't expect anything to be wrong though, I am just impatient and want everything to be "normal".
Had my 1 year Cancer- Free anniversary  August 31 of 2012.
Have had a few minor surgeries to correct damage done by radiation. (Mostly to remove the webbing between my cords) Funny how many things are a result of cancer treatment.
Last procedure was done about 7 weeks ago. Still hoarse and can't sing. Have decided to just give up on singing. I'm teaching right now either. Really not sure what all this is about. Is it because I am ungrateful for what God HAS done in my life? Is it because I have not used my voice to bring glory to Him? Is it just the result of having cancer on my vocal cords twice, 9 surgeries, and 28 rounds of radiation to cure it? Am I just impatient?  I don't know the answer to these questions.
I DO know that is is much easier for me to get my thoughts in order when I can get them in print. I do know that I have a natural ability to totally spaz out when I speak, because I cannot contain my excitement / emotions. On top of that, my mind wanders and I have a terribly hard time staying on topic. Maybe I am just supposed to write. Maybe I seek too much approval when I speak /teach. When I write, I just write. I don't have to please anyone or worry about anyone's feelings or worry whether or not someone will like what I say. Like I said....Maybe I should just write and forget about speaking, teaching, or singing.
I don't know. I am just trying to get back to that place where I am willing to do what ever God wants me to do...or to be available and willing to be used by Him however He wants to use me rather than wanting to serve Him in the ways I feel I am best suited. I know that telling God how I should serve Him is wrong. I know that being prideful is wrong. I know all these things. I realize that God may very well just be making me take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
Marriage is harder than I'd anticipated. Being the parent of a teenager is harder than I anticipated. Being the parent of a strong willed child is more trying than I expected. Maybe I just need a break. I'm taking one, whether I like it or not. I can blame it on my voice, or lack of voice, but the truth is, my family needs me...or a better me. I have failed Calvin as a wife. I have not been supportive of him and his ministry because I have been building my ministry. I have failed the kids. I have spent time helping other moms with their kids and families and neglected mine.
Anyway, I'm dealing with a lot of different stuff.
While I'm here, I might as well go ahead and admit that I have been totally convicted of having an unforgiving heart toward some people. This is tough and is another reason I have pulled away from teaching. I can't tell others to forgive their enemies if I can't forgive mine. I don't know when I will get there, but I know that i won't have peace until I forgive them.
On the other hand, I HAVE forgiven several other people and have sought forgiveness from others (also very hard to do), so I know it is possible. Just gotta get my stubborn pride out of the way and submit fully to God.

Testimony

I went to see the RAD ONC on the 27th of last month.

Dr Caudell moved away, so I have a new Dr. that will oversee me now along with Doc S.

The visit went well. I like the new Dr just fine.

found out some good stuff...

the area that they radiated was so "Specific" (my word, not his) that there is a chance that I could have radiation again, should the cancer come back.

(before this I was told that the only thing we could do if it came back a 3rd time was to take out my larynx...so this is VERY GOOD NEWS)

Also, there is a 95% chance that the cancer will NOT come back!

AND because the radiation was given in such a specific area, there was little damage to the surrounding tissues and thus I am at less of a risk for getting a secondary cancer in my salavary glands, thyriod, tonsils, etc.

 

AND I have "webbing" between my cords.

This explains Doc's concerned look, and why he acted so wierd AND why he would not let me see my cords when i visited with him last.

He did not tell me about the webbing (because he knows me and knew I would freak out), But Dr Pak told me very matter of factly, as though it is no big deal. I sent Doc S an e-mail and asked him about it. He said that the steriod inhaler he gave me should arrest the webbing, but wont correct it.

He also said that this what is preventing my voice from being normal.

AND he will have to surgically repair it.

I looked online and there is a 6-8 week total voice restriction following this procedure. They have to put a keel in to seperate the cords and prevent them from closing back together....(sigh) great. It stays in for about 4 weeks. So, I guess it is 4 weeks of voice restriction because of the keel and then 2 more weeks to heal. I am wondering,....how does one drink and eat with this keel in? If it is holding the cords open, then wouldn't you get choked? hmmmm...more questions for the good Doctor.

Anyway, we are all about hospitaled out and the thought of another surgery and more voice rest is not very appealing. I talked to the hubs about it when I got home and we are not going to make the decision to or not to do the surgery just yet. Going to wait and see what my voice does as it heals.

I could really use a miracle right now. Would be GREAT if I went in next time and the webbing was gone.

 

I feel like I have a lump in my throat. Feels very similar to whan I had the granuloma abck in 09....hmmmm....this is what I told Doc when i went in after I first started treatment and felt like my airway was restricted. I wonder if I had the webbing then. I will have to remember to ask him about that when I see him end of the month.

 

I don't have to see the Rad Onc again until January. The rad "burn" scar on my neck is...well...it is still there. I'll post a pic later on the week. I will continue to see Doc S every month for a year like before. If the cancer does not come back, i'll see him every 2 months for a year and then every 3 months for a year, and then every 4-6 months for a year and then once a year for....well, for 10 years. 

 

Am leading Ladies Bible Study again and it feels so good to be back in the groove.

We are having 2 big ladies events at the church in November and December and I am over the top excited about the ladies who are getting involved! God is doing amazing things in the lives of so many in our congregation and i am excited to ba able to witness their growth!!!!

 

I still get really tired. (Only when i don't rest like I should.) For example, I did not rest Sunday afternoon like I normally do. Instead, i cleaned out the sunroom and moved all my painting stuff out there (so now I can say that I have a "studio" I guess!).  So, today I feel bad. not bad. Just really tired... and I am supposed to go tot the gym after work....ugh!

 

There are so many reasons that I am thankful that God has allowed me to have cancer.

I am continually amazed at the lengths to which our Father will go in order to make sure that we have what we need.

For me, He has given me the experiential knowledge of His trustworthiness to add to Scriptural knowledge.

In doing this, He has given me a marvelous confidence in His sovereignty and has blessed me with tremendous faith in His Plan (even when I can't understand what he is doing).

I would never have learned to trust Him so completely, had I not had cancer. I would not have had the wonderful opportunity to pray with the ladies I met waiting for radiation, had I not had cancer. I would not have met my Doctors, residents, and nurses, had I not had cancer. I would not have met Dr Schweinfurth and been able to share the love of Christ with him for all these years had I not had cancer TWICE... and I will gladly battle it again for the privilege of witnessing God's hand at work in the lives of so many people.

It has taken me longer than i would have liked for me to get to this point, but I am thankful that God kept working on me until I trusted Him fully.

 

A sweet friend told me when I was diagnosed this second time that we can't have a testimony without a test. I am thankful for this test because of the wonderful testimony of God's hand in my life as He carried me through this valley.

 

hugs!

K