Monday, January 14, 2013

Just Catching Up


So much time has passed!
I am healthy, so far as I know. My next appointments are the 24th. I'll see Doc S and Dr Pak as well as see Josie for Voice therapy that day. If anything is amiss, they will find it! I don't expect anything to be wrong though, I am just impatient and want everything to be "normal".
Had my 1 year Cancer- Free anniversary  August 31 of 2012.
Have had a few minor surgeries to correct damage done by radiation. (Mostly to remove the webbing between my cords) Funny how many things are a result of cancer treatment.
Last procedure was done about 7 weeks ago. Still hoarse and can't sing. Have decided to just give up on singing. I'm teaching right now either. Really not sure what all this is about. Is it because I am ungrateful for what God HAS done in my life? Is it because I have not used my voice to bring glory to Him? Is it just the result of having cancer on my vocal cords twice, 9 surgeries, and 28 rounds of radiation to cure it? Am I just impatient?  I don't know the answer to these questions.
I DO know that is is much easier for me to get my thoughts in order when I can get them in print. I do know that I have a natural ability to totally spaz out when I speak, because I cannot contain my excitement / emotions. On top of that, my mind wanders and I have a terribly hard time staying on topic. Maybe I am just supposed to write. Maybe I seek too much approval when I speak /teach. When I write, I just write. I don't have to please anyone or worry about anyone's feelings or worry whether or not someone will like what I say. Like I said....Maybe I should just write and forget about speaking, teaching, or singing.
I don't know. I am just trying to get back to that place where I am willing to do what ever God wants me to do...or to be available and willing to be used by Him however He wants to use me rather than wanting to serve Him in the ways I feel I am best suited. I know that telling God how I should serve Him is wrong. I know that being prideful is wrong. I know all these things. I realize that God may very well just be making me take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
Marriage is harder than I'd anticipated. Being the parent of a teenager is harder than I anticipated. Being the parent of a strong willed child is more trying than I expected. Maybe I just need a break. I'm taking one, whether I like it or not. I can blame it on my voice, or lack of voice, but the truth is, my family needs me...or a better me. I have failed Calvin as a wife. I have not been supportive of him and his ministry because I have been building my ministry. I have failed the kids. I have spent time helping other moms with their kids and families and neglected mine.
Anyway, I'm dealing with a lot of different stuff.
While I'm here, I might as well go ahead and admit that I have been totally convicted of having an unforgiving heart toward some people. This is tough and is another reason I have pulled away from teaching. I can't tell others to forgive their enemies if I can't forgive mine. I don't know when I will get there, but I know that i won't have peace until I forgive them.
On the other hand, I HAVE forgiven several other people and have sought forgiveness from others (also very hard to do), so I know it is possible. Just gotta get my stubborn pride out of the way and submit fully to God.

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