In The Battle

I'm feeling very "blah". Its really a bit worse than "blah". I feel like I have a weight on my chest...like the weight of the world. I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. Like I have everything very carefully balanced and the slightest bump will send my entire world crumbling all around me. I just want to go to sleep so that I don't have to think about anything. To make matters worse, it upsets me that I feel this way because I SHOULDN'T feel this way. I know better. I'm the preacher's wife, for goodness sake.  I should be thankful and grateful and happy and joyful. I have so many things to be thankful for and I feel...."wrong" for not being over the top bubbly and happy and all "God Loves you and so do I".  But the fact of the matter is, I don't feel that way, not today at least. Now that I think about it, I am "yeah whatever" fairly  often. Not quite as often as I am "God loves you and so do I!", but more often than I think I should be. And then I'm thinking...ya know what? I don't really even like myself. I am a jumbled up muddled up mess most of the time. How in the world can I write anything of value when I am so very... not together? It always comes back to writing with me. I can do laundry and cook supper and read with my kids whether I love myself or not. I have tremendous insecurities about my parenting and wife-ing abilities,  but I can go through the motions even when I feel like I am falling apart. I can't go through the motions when I write. Writing is my mirror. My words reflect my heart back to me and sometimes I don't like what I see. So,  I struggle every day to see what God sees in me and can't for the life of me understand why He keeps me here. So I am sitting here and I am thinking... and I'm depressed. 

 

And then I get the following email....

 

Just wanted to drop you an email to tell you THANK YOU.

I have been reading your blogs (as you know) and studying as I go.

Your thoughts are so encouraging to know others feel and wonder the same as me….but you have such a great ability to write them, and plant them on “paper”.

Thank you again for being you. For being my distant friend that I have no hold backs of saying how I feel, and being the Christian and encouragement you are!

 

To be quite honest, I don't know what to do with that because the FIRST thing that hits my heart is overwhelming gratitude for  this distant friend who listens to my rambling and doesn't judge me harshly...and cares enough to send me an email to encourage my heart. Then I am immediately overwhelmed that God would prompt her heart to encourage mine, because I know it has to be at His urging because He is the only one who truly understands how I struggle. And I am encouraged. Maybe God can use me. With all my self-doubt and insecurities...maybe He can actually use me. And maybe it's better that way because by allowing all of this I remember that I need Him, that my strength comes from Him and that, whatever I write, comes from Him and is for His glory and not mine.  

 And all of a sudden I feel...almost bold... maybe even  courageous...and I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, here on my little blog in all of my brokenness, writing about the Lover of my soul.

 I'm reminded that years ago God prompted me to share about the battle we fight against Satan and his minions. We don't choose our battles with Satan. He gets me where he can, and all too often he uses my insecurity and self-doubt against me. Today, that is the battle I am fighting. Perhaps I am not alone in this.

Through all of this, I am reminded that my God is big... no, huge... and He can do immeasurably great things through ordinary people. He did it all through Scripture and I wonder, did the folks in the Bible feel insignificant and wonder if what they did mattered? I believe that we really won't know how we impacted the world we live in until we get to Heaven. Until then, I will serve Him in whatever place and capacity He puts me, so that when my time is done, I can rush into the arms of  One who knows me best and hear Him say the words my heart so desperately longs to hear, "Well done".

 

 

Happy Mother's Day

I think that Mother's Day is wonderful. It is nice to be recognized and honored. It gives me an additional opportunity to tell my mom how much I love and appreciate her and to stop and thank God for the 2 PKs he has given me to raise. Still, I am reminded me that not everyone feels the same as I do on Mother's Day.

As Mother's Day approaches, my heart is broken...

 

for the woman who cannot conceive...

for the mom who has outlived a child or children....

for those  who, because of death or other separation,  miss mom so much.

I am so thankful that God prompts me to be gentle and observant, and am asking Him to give me discernment and a compassionate heart for those who are hurting. When everyone else is celebrating, those who are hurting can be overlooked.

 

There will be a day when the hurt of this life is no more. Until then, we will each face our share of pain. I am so thankful that God's Word promises that this life is not all there is. In John 14:1-6, Jesus tells his disciples (and us) what we have to look forward to. 

 

“Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me.   In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also.   You know the way to where I am going.”

“Lord,” Thomas said, “we don’t know where You’re going. How can we know the way?”
 Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

And, in John 16:33...
"I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.”

Our hope, our comfort, and our peace come from knowing Christ. Our peace comes from Him and is found in him. I am so thankful to serve a God who went to such great lengths to make Himself known to us and who went to such great lengths to let us know that our joy, our comfort, our peace, and our hope are found in Him and Him alone. HE alone can soothe the grieving heart.

SOAP Bible Study Method

 

A while back I had the opportunity to sub in Ladies' Bible Study at our church. This was a last minute situation...like 15 minutes before class started...so I was absolutely unprepared. To keep this introduction short, I'll just say that we ended up doing a little study on the importance of daily time with God. 

 

It seems that most strong Christians have at least at some point had a season of daily time with God. Those solid, steady, seemingly unshakable Christians have a set-in-stone prayer and Bible study time each day. I believe, and have expressed many times, that Satan knows full well that time in prayer and studying God's Word is time well spent for the Christian. These 2 disciplines carry more promise for Spiritual growth than any other. These are our life line to communicating with God and our source of strength and assurance in defeating Satan...and Satan knows this. So, it is no surprise that Satan puts endless distractions in our path to keep us from spending DAILY time in prayer and in God's Word.

 

I will not go into a long dissertation on all the ways Satan distracts us. All I have to do is think through any given day and I will see all sorts of things he tossed in my path to take up time and energy. For the most part, the things that eat  away at my time are good things...blessings God has given me. Still, these were never intended to replace my time with Him.

 

So, in an effort to remind myself of a super simple way to meditate on God's Word, I want to re-introduce the S.O.A.P. method of Bible Study.

 

The concept is WAY easy...

 

S = Scripture (read the scripture)

O= Observe (What's going on?)

A= Application (How does this apply to my life?)

P = Prayer

 

See? Piece of cake. This can be as in depth or superficial as you make it. It is useful to all levels of Spiritual maturity. I think that, over the next few weeks, I will touch on this again, but this is enough for now.