I'm feeling very "blah". Its really a bit worse than "blah". I feel like I have a weight on my chest...like the weight of the world. I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. Like I have everything very carefully balanced and the slightest bump will send my entire world crumbling all around me. I just want to go to sleep so that I don't have to think about anything. To make matters worse, it upsets me that I feel this way because I SHOULDN'T feel this way. I know better. I'm the preacher's wife, for goodness sake. I should be thankful and grateful and happy and joyful. I have so many things to be thankful for and I feel...."wrong" for not being over the top bubbly and happy and all "God Loves you and so do I". But the fact of the matter is, I don't feel that way, not today at least. Now that I think about it, I am "yeah whatever" fairly often. Not quite as often as I am "God loves you and so do I!", but more often than I think I should be. And then I'm thinking...ya know what? I don't really even like myself. I am a jumbled up muddled up mess most of the time. How in the world can I write anything of value when I am so very... not together? It always comes back to writing with me. I can do laundry and cook supper and read with my kids whether I love myself or not. I have tremendous insecurities about my parenting and wife-ing abilities, but I can go through the motions even when I feel like I am falling apart. I can't go through the motions when I write. Writing is my mirror. My words reflect my heart back to me and sometimes I don't like what I see. So, I struggle every day to see what God sees in me and can't for the life of me understand why He keeps me here. So I am sitting here and I am thinking... and I'm depressed.
To be quite honest, I don't know what to do with that because the FIRST thing that hits my heart is overwhelming gratitude for this distant friend who listens to my rambling and doesn't judge me harshly...and cares enough to send me an email to encourage my heart. Then I am immediately overwhelmed that God would prompt her heart to encourage mine, because I know it has to be at His urging because He is the only one who truly understands how I struggle. And I am encouraged. Maybe God can use me. With all my self-doubt and insecurities...maybe He can actually use me. And maybe it's better that way because by allowing all of this I remember that I need Him, that my strength comes from Him and that, whatever I write, comes from Him and is for His glory and not mine.