I thought that I'd learned all I needed to learn about myself when I was in weekly therapy, but here I am with some new revelations. If I've mentioned any of this before, please understand that on some level it is new to me... or at least understood on a deeper level.
I see the good in everyone except myself.
- I know that this is faulty thinking. I know that I am no more flawed than anyone else and have as much good in me as others have. Still, while I say I know this, I don't live as though it is true. Instead, I feel overwhelmed by my perceived lack. I spend large amounts of time reminding myself of all the ways I don't measure up. I talk myself out of doing lots of things that I might enjoy simply by pointing out that someone else could do it better.
I believe that anything less than my idea of perfect is unacceptable; if I am not sure I can do something perfectly, I don't even try.
- Again, I know that I miss out on a lot of enjoyable moments because I put this pressure on myself. I know that less than perfect is not failure and even if it is failure, that failure does not define me, nor does it automatically result in rejection...but my life does not reflect this. I feel overwhelmed by the possibility of disappointing or embarrassing my family friends, or... well... pretty much anyone, and facing their ridicule, judgement and rejection because I attempted something and failed.
When situations overwhelm or frighten me, I feel paralyzed.
- I know that the way to deal a difficult situation is to act, and I have learned that not acting usually only intensifies negative emotions and pain. I also know that the only way to truly know whether or not I can accomplish something is to try and that not trying usually leaves me with painful regret. Still, instead of asking "What do I need to do to eliminate this pain?" I just... hurt.
- I've decided I'm really tired of hurting.
Realizing my faulty thinking is pointless unless it results in some sort of change. That being said... I am going to try the following....
- Look for the good in myself and focus on it. Not to the point of being prideful or arrogant, just enough to start to like who I am, and to be comfortable with the idea of enjoying my life.
- Try things without any guarantee of success and allow imperfection. I know there are things that I COULD enjoy... if I wasn't so afraid to fail. Rather than seeing "less than perfect" as an absolute and complete failure, I want to allow it to be what it is... I tried and it didn't go as planned... and that's okay.
- Address overwhelming situations instead of ignoring them. This may be as simple as writing down what is causing me stress and what I can do about it, but the key will be to act on what I can do about it.
I hope you aren't as introspective as I am... but I know I am not the only person who has an acute sense of every thought and feeling all day every day and with it, the need to analyze the "why" behind the things I think, feel, and believe. If you ARE introspective (or maybe even if you aren't), have you pondered potential reasons behind the things you do to cause yourself pain? Are there areas in your own life where you sabotage your happiness? Are there areas of your life where you could grow but don't because you are afraid of failure?
Do you choose the hurt you know instead of risking the possible pain attached to the unknown?
Jesus says this in John 10:10...
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
What a wonderful promise. Abundant life is not feeling overwhelmed, flawed, or fearful of failure, rejection, judgement and condemnation. It is my prayer that we embrace the unique ways God knit us together and that we use the gifts and talents He has given us.
One final thought... After listening to my lamenting over all the ways I feel broken, a precious friend told me, "Kris, we're all broken. This helps us remember God's Grace."
I love that.
Do you choose the hurt you know instead of risking the possible pain attached to the unknown?
Jesus says this in John 10:10...
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
What a wonderful promise. Abundant life is not feeling overwhelmed, flawed, or fearful of failure, rejection, judgement and condemnation. It is my prayer that we embrace the unique ways God knit us together and that we use the gifts and talents He has given us.
One final thought... After listening to my lamenting over all the ways I feel broken, a precious friend told me, "Kris, we're all broken. This helps us remember God's Grace."
I love that.
Just my thoughts
K
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