Thursday Thoughts on...life...and waterfalls

Last Friday, I wrote about how my thoughts have changed concerning my body and what I believe about myself. I won't revisit all that here, but the thoughts that follow do build on the thoughts I had last week.

I have often told other women "Be who God created you to be." I have believed that God created them exactly as He wanted them to be in order to accomplish what He wants through their lives. 

Sadly, I have only recently embraced this for myself. Recently... as in last week. This change has made a huge difference in the way I think about myself. I have let go of who I have always thought I "should" be and have embraced who I am. This is huge. So huge. I'm not sure I can even put it into words, but I'll try.

All my adult life, I've believed that I should be bolder, more assertive, braver, and stronger. I've believed that I should demand respect, take what I think I deserve, watch out for my own interests, and do whatever it takes to get what I want. While I believed that this was how I should be, it just never felt right. (and i have never been very good at it either)

I've finally realized that's just not who I am. God didn't knit me together that way. The me that God created is kind, gentle, nurturing, encouraging, optimistic, introverted, creative, full of empathy, tender hearted and peaceful. I've stopped believing that these traits are flaws and weaknesses. I've stopped trying to be anything different. 

This feels really good.

Where most of my life has felt like a hurricane, this feels...peaceful...easy... like gentle waves lapping against a pier. 

I don't feel torn apart, ripped open, and bleeding. 

I don't feel broken, weak, damaged, flawed, or "less than" others. 

I have felt like a rock under a crashing waterfall for so long...like my life was crashing around me, drowning me, beating me into what it wanted me to be. 

This is no longer true. 

I still think of my life as water, but today I feel more like a boulder, with the water breaking around me. I feel solid, sturdy, peace-filled and strong...unmoved by life's struggles. The image in my mind is of a boulder outside the immediate pounding waterfall. The water is the same, but the boulder has been moved to a different, safer, more established place. Rather than being beaten and broken by the crashing flow of the falls, it's gradually shaped by the river...jagged edges are softened over time and the surface is gently smoothed. There are times of course when the river rages and the falls overflow, and in these times the boulder is pounded by the rushing water...but the is not the same as the constant beating received at the base of the falls. 

Yeah, that feels right.

That feels...like freedom...like restoration and redemption and forgiveness.

I feel whole....and I like it.

Big big hugs,
K