A while back, I began writing about the paradigm shift I've experienced recently.
In case you're just joining me on this journey, here's the shift... I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness nor am I responsible for anyone else's attitude...and more than that... no one is responsible for mine.
A core belief from my childhood sounds something like this:
"If anyone in your life is unhappy it is because you are not 'enough' OR you are 'too much' for them. If anyone in your life is unhappy, that means you should change."
I'm not sure where this came from, but I believed it in my very soul...until now.
I hope that, in time, I will be satisfied with and confident in who I am. I hope that, in time, I will love what and who I love with no need to explain or defend either.
I started a list of questions that I'm trying to answer over...well, however long it takes to get them all answered. I've discovered that I "know" the answers to all of them, but I 'm not sure I BELIEVE the answer I "know" is correct. So, I'm working through that; I'm looking past the answers I've always given to see what I really believe.
As with all my writing, this is for me. Writing gets my scrambled up thoughts and emotions into print and seeing them in print often helps me put them in proper perspective. Anyway, here's this week's question and (hopefully) answer.
As with all my writing, this is for me. Writing gets my scrambled up thoughts and emotions into print and seeing them in print often helps me put them in proper perspective. Anyway, here's this week's question and (hopefully) answer.
What do I really enjoy?
I've had a hard time with this one. Most everything I do on a day to day basis revolves around the people in my life and the satisfaction I get from doing things that cause them to be pleased with me. Historically my feeling of pleasure or enjoyment of something has been tied to whether or not the people I value are pleased with me and/or what I've done. I know that this is unhealthy, which is why i am embarking on this journey in the first place.
Here's the catch tho: Everything else I try to put in print sounds ridiculous.
I keep hearing Perry's voice asking me "Who said that's ridiculous? Why do you think that's not good enough? Why do you think you 'should' enjoy something else?"
So, I am going to try to just be honest. Even that sounds so stupid to me. Why on earth would I filter what I ENJOY by asking myself what the people I value think I should enjoy, or what they would approve of me enjoying? Am I really that...needy? Do I really desire the approval of others that much? Am I really so dependent on other's opinion of me that I don't even know what I enjoy?
I suppose I am... or have been.
Okay, here goes...no filter....
I enjoy creating. I enjoy the challenge of making something from nothing (or almost nothing). I enjoy the process of turning an idea into something tangible. I suppose this is why I enjoy writing, painting, baking, gardening, and crocheting. I am quite certain that I would enjoy sewing and knitting, pottery, glass blowing, and carpentry as well, but have neither the time nor the finances to embark on a quest to master something new at this point. I Still have time to master another art form once I am satisfied with my level of skill in the things I already try to do.
I enjoy imagining, dreaming things up in my mind. I have always had an incredible imagination and, if left alone with my thoughts, can dream up the most fantastic stories and experience them as tho they are real. (Hmmm Maybe I should try my hand at writing fiction.)
I enjoy reading. I think this goes hand in hand with my over active imagination. It is easy for me to get lost in a book. A well written story evokes real emotion. Sometimes it is a blessing to escape reality and live for a time in some story other than my own.
I enjoy just being. I need time to just... be. I might sit on the back porch and listen to the birds in the morning, or sit alone in my car at lunch or sit up late at night with no TV or Radio to distract my thoughts. It's nice to be able to quiet my thoughts and just... be.
I enjoy nature. Not bugs. Not Spiders. Or snakes. Or worms. Oooh and not snails or slugs or any sort of creepy crawly slimy thing. OK, so I like large, furry animals and plants and water and rocks and the sky and the way the sun feels on my skin. My absolute favorite place in all the world to be is sitting alone next to or at the foot of a waterfall. This is followed closely by being on a balcony overlooking the ocean.
While most everything I enjoy is peaceful and serene, I do very much enjoy the thrill of white water rafting and the challenge of hiking in the mountains. There is certainly serenity in the midst of both of these...calm spots in a river and moments of rest along a mountain trail...where I cannot help but stop and soak up the majesty of creation. This serenity is a nice contrast to the thrill of navigating rapids and managing precarious sections of mountain trails.I've had a hard time with this one. Most everything I do on a day to day basis revolves around the people in my life and the satisfaction I get from doing things that cause them to be pleased with me. Historically my feeling of pleasure or enjoyment of something has been tied to whether or not the people I value are pleased with me and/or what I've done. I know that this is unhealthy, which is why i am embarking on this journey in the first place.
Here's the catch tho: Everything else I try to put in print sounds ridiculous.
I keep hearing Perry's voice asking me "Who said that's ridiculous? Why do you think that's not good enough? Why do you think you 'should' enjoy something else?"
So, I am going to try to just be honest. Even that sounds so stupid to me. Why on earth would I filter what I ENJOY by asking myself what the people I value think I should enjoy, or what they would approve of me enjoying? Am I really that...needy? Do I really desire the approval of others that much? Am I really so dependent on other's opinion of me that I don't even know what I enjoy?
I suppose I am... or have been.
Okay, here goes...no filter....
I enjoy creating. I enjoy the challenge of making something from nothing (or almost nothing). I enjoy the process of turning an idea into something tangible. I suppose this is why I enjoy writing, painting, baking, gardening, and crocheting. I am quite certain that I would enjoy sewing and knitting, pottery, glass blowing, and carpentry as well, but have neither the time nor the finances to embark on a quest to master something new at this point. I Still have time to master another art form once I am satisfied with my level of skill in the things I already try to do.
I enjoy imagining, dreaming things up in my mind. I have always had an incredible imagination and, if left alone with my thoughts, can dream up the most fantastic stories and experience them as tho they are real. (Hmmm Maybe I should try my hand at writing fiction.)
I enjoy reading. I think this goes hand in hand with my over active imagination. It is easy for me to get lost in a book. A well written story evokes real emotion. Sometimes it is a blessing to escape reality and live for a time in some story other than my own.
I enjoy just being. I need time to just... be. I might sit on the back porch and listen to the birds in the morning, or sit alone in my car at lunch or sit up late at night with no TV or Radio to distract my thoughts. It's nice to be able to quiet my thoughts and just... be.
I enjoy nature. Not bugs. Not Spiders. Or snakes. Or worms. Oooh and not snails or slugs or any sort of creepy crawly slimy thing. OK, so I like large, furry animals and plants and water and rocks and the sky and the way the sun feels on my skin. My absolute favorite place in all the world to be is sitting alone next to or at the foot of a waterfall. This is followed closely by being on a balcony overlooking the ocean.
Just my thoughts,
K
I wanna know....
What do you really enjoy?
Do you have a difficult time separating what YOU enjoy from the things that others value in you?
Does your level of enjoyment depend on the praise of others?
I wanna know....
What do you really enjoy?
Do you have a difficult time separating what YOU enjoy from the things that others value in you?
Does your level of enjoyment depend on the praise of others?
What determines my worth?
What is consistently causing me stress?
What is consistently causing me stress?
What do I LIKE about me?
What do I truly value?
What is holding me back?
What will make my life easier?
What do I NOT enjoy?
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