Well here we are at the end of another week.
Time just flies. There is SO much I want to do, but it seems that I blink and another week has passed me by.
So here we are:
What's working:
I'm drinking a LOT more water and that is helping all sorts of things. My legs are not swelling as much during the day, my skin is clearer, and my throat is not as dry. On top of that, water has no calories, so my caloric intake is less. Overall, I just FEEL better, and that means so much.
I'm eating less. I'm not sure how to really explain this, but I'll try. One of the (many) things I've been convicted about is the amount of food I consume. Obviously I want to be thin, but this is not really about my appearance. When I over eat I FEEL bad. I don't like the lethargic feeling that I have after over eating. I've prayed about it, confessed my gluttony, and asked God to make me aware of what I eat. Not surprisingly, He has done just that. This week I have simply been AWARE of getting full. Halfway through a meal I realize that I am full... and that it is totally okay to stop eating at that point. I don't have a need to continue to eat for the simple pleasure that the taste of food provides.
I've been going to the gym with a friend. I'm not putting a lot of pressure on myself here...just going and just working out. Not trying to kill myself or be so sore that I can't move for days afterward. Just going to the gym and working out.
My body appreciates all of this.
What's not:
I still struggle. Maybe I always will. I find myself retreating into myself. Does that even make sense?
I guess it must. I don't know any other way to describe it. Even when I try to force myself to be part of things, I find myself alone. Not alone as in by myself, but alone as in... disconnected. Many days I would be most comfortable not speaking to anyone or interacting with anyone at all. Most times, being around people just wears me out.
I discussed this with Perry on Tuesday. He said that doesn't surprise him because I am always surrounded by people. I don't get much, if any "alone time" and this may just be me telling myself "I need some alone time." It helps so much for him not to say that I'm wrong for feeling things like this.
We also talked about forgiveness and grace... and my unwillingness to accept it for myself. We laughed because the things he tells me about grace and forgiveness are the same things I would tell anyone...anyone but me. I'm not sure WHY I can't accept the grace I so often share with others. I don't know why I feel that my sin is something I should be punished for.
I know that I (we) SHOULD be punished for all my sin. I know that I (we) don't deserve to be forgiven for ANY sin. That is the gift of Grace. That's what Christ died for. Perry left me with this thought, "Maybe we can't FULLY embrace the enormity of grace until we fully accept the depth of our depravity."
I don't know what else to say about that.
K
Time just flies. There is SO much I want to do, but it seems that I blink and another week has passed me by.
So here we are:
What's working:
I'm drinking a LOT more water and that is helping all sorts of things. My legs are not swelling as much during the day, my skin is clearer, and my throat is not as dry. On top of that, water has no calories, so my caloric intake is less. Overall, I just FEEL better, and that means so much.
I'm eating less. I'm not sure how to really explain this, but I'll try. One of the (many) things I've been convicted about is the amount of food I consume. Obviously I want to be thin, but this is not really about my appearance. When I over eat I FEEL bad. I don't like the lethargic feeling that I have after over eating. I've prayed about it, confessed my gluttony, and asked God to make me aware of what I eat. Not surprisingly, He has done just that. This week I have simply been AWARE of getting full. Halfway through a meal I realize that I am full... and that it is totally okay to stop eating at that point. I don't have a need to continue to eat for the simple pleasure that the taste of food provides.
I've been going to the gym with a friend. I'm not putting a lot of pressure on myself here...just going and just working out. Not trying to kill myself or be so sore that I can't move for days afterward. Just going to the gym and working out.
My body appreciates all of this.
What's not:
I still struggle. Maybe I always will. I find myself retreating into myself. Does that even make sense?
I guess it must. I don't know any other way to describe it. Even when I try to force myself to be part of things, I find myself alone. Not alone as in by myself, but alone as in... disconnected. Many days I would be most comfortable not speaking to anyone or interacting with anyone at all. Most times, being around people just wears me out.
I discussed this with Perry on Tuesday. He said that doesn't surprise him because I am always surrounded by people. I don't get much, if any "alone time" and this may just be me telling myself "I need some alone time." It helps so much for him not to say that I'm wrong for feeling things like this.
We also talked about forgiveness and grace... and my unwillingness to accept it for myself. We laughed because the things he tells me about grace and forgiveness are the same things I would tell anyone...anyone but me. I'm not sure WHY I can't accept the grace I so often share with others. I don't know why I feel that my sin is something I should be punished for.
I know that I (we) SHOULD be punished for all my sin. I know that I (we) don't deserve to be forgiven for ANY sin. That is the gift of Grace. That's what Christ died for. Perry left me with this thought, "Maybe we can't FULLY embrace the enormity of grace until we fully accept the depth of our depravity."
I don't know what else to say about that.
K
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