Thursday Thoughts on...nothing

A couple of weeks ago, I began writing about the paradigm shift I've experienced recently. 

Here's the shift... I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness...but more than that... no one is responsible for mine. Conversely, I am not responsible for anyone else's bad attitude...and more than that... no one is responsible for mine. I suppose it goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway... I am completely responsible for my own happiness and my attitude.

I really can't control how others feel about me...or about themselves. This is hard to even type. A core belief from my childhood sounds something like this: 

"If anyone in your life is unhappy it is because you are not 'enough' OR you are 'too much' for them. If anyone in your life is unhappy, that means you should change."

I'm not sure where this came from, but I believed it in my very soul...until about a month ago.

I hope that, in time, I will be satisfied with and confident in who I am.  I hope that, in time, I will love what and who I love with no need to explain or defend either. 

I started a list of questions that I'm trying to answer over...well, however long it takes to get them all answered. As with all my writing, this is for me. This is where I sort through things. Writing gets my scrambled up thoughts and emotions into print and seeing them in print often helps me put them in proper perspective.  Anyway, here's this week's question and (hopefully) answer.

.......

Well, here's the thing...I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I mean, I know what the answers SHOULD be. I know what I have always SAID I believe about these topics. Honestly tho, I got nuthin' this morning.

I don't think this is a bad thing at all. I just need to pray, think, and consider these areas and really work through the questions.

I DO know that I am in a MUCH better place than I have been in years...maybe in my whole life. I am gaining confidence in who I am and what I am capable of. I am learning so much about myself, and the whole process is actually quite enjoyable. I'm learning that there is a huge...like HUGE... difference in knowing what the answer to a question like "What makes me happy?" or " What determines my worth?" should be and believing the answer in your very soul. 

So today I have nothing to write about because I honestly am not sure that I actually believe the answers I've always given to the questions I'm asking myself. I think I am going to have to look at this a bit differently on some of the remaining questions.  I THINK what I'm going to do is give the answer I always have...or the one I know I "should" give and then really dig in and see if I believe that. If I do, fine. If I don't, then hopefully this process will break down some of the walls I know I still have in place that keep me "safe" but also keep me in bondage. Not really sure what that bondage is exactly, that's just the word that came out.

I know this:

So far, I like the real me that I'm uncovering much better than the "me" that I always thought I should be.  It's a process, and I'm really totally cool with that.

Maybe next week I'll have something worth talking about.

Just my thoughts,

K

Questions I'm pondering....

What determines my worth?
What is consistently causing me stress?

What do I really enjoy?

What will make my life easier?

What do I NOT enjoy?

When do I feel successful?

When do I feel confident?

What do I LIKE about me?

What do I truly value?

What is holding me back?