Equine Assisted Therapy - session 1

I started "Horse Therapy." 

My friends and family have had great fun telling me what they envision this to be. 

I've only been once so far. Yes,  I talked to the horse. No,  he did not talk back. 

I was talking to the horse the way a person NORMALLY talks to a horse. Ya know, "Hey big guy. Aren't you a sweet boy." He acted like horses act. He wanted me to rub his nose and scratch his back and he sniffed my hair and clothes. The therapist, Nancy, was there of course and we were getting to know each other as well. The horse startled and I said "Oh! I'm sorry!" 

Nancy asked, "Do you realize you just apologized to the horse?"

I don't remember my response, but I do remember she laughed and told me I'd done it twice. She asked what I thought happened just then and I said something startled him. She asked what I though that was and I said that I thought he saw something over my shoulder. She said something along the lines of...

"So you are apologizing to a HORSE for something you have absolutely nothing to do with."

Imagine a 3-D puzzle. Say its 100,000 different shaped pieces that, together make some random abstract image. It has holes and gaps and some pieces are placed in precarious positions that make the structure vulnerable in multiple places. The entire structure is fragile, but familiar and that familiarity allows it to remain intact, albeit unstable. You believe the structure will fall apart if anything about the structure is altered. You are afraid of it all falling apart and fiercely protect the out of place (even broken) pieces that make the structure unstable and fragile...because this abstract, unstable, fragile structure is all you know. 

Initially this was me. Just me. That's almost exactly how I felt for...well...forever I guess. I have said so many times "I am afraid if someone touches me I will break into a million pieces"

I tried so HARD to keep this structure together.  The catalyst that drove me to the point of suicide was the realization that I cannot maintain the "structure."  Almost everything in my life was viewed through the lens of what "should be" or what I "should" do/think/feel.  All these "shoulds" make up the structure.  When my suicide attempt was unsuccessful, I THOUGHT that the way to get over this was to figure out how to get back to "normal" and protect and support this unstable structure that is... well.... I guess it's me. 

Enter the horse.

I realized that I was taking complete responsibility for a horse being startled by something I had nothing to do with, and something that fragile structure shifted.

I realized that I take complete responsibility for LOTS of things that might not be completely my responsibility, and it shifted a bit more...

Add Counseling with Perry back into the picture...

Perry and I revisited my session with Nancy and the horse. We talked about that for a bit and then about the upcoming holidays and how I'm feeling about that.

Somewhere in this discussion, it hit me that I am not responsible...not just that I don't have to FEEL responsible, but that in reality I am NOT responsible for SO MANY things, and that one little piece of the structure that shifted with the horse fell out of place... and when it did, the entire structure started falling apart...

But it didn't really fall apart at all...

It caused other pieces to shift and tumble and find NEW places...places where they actually fit.

That structure that was so precarious and fragile before is now becoming a solid cube, with all those 100,000 pieces becoming firmly seated in their proper place. I can see that the end result will be something solid, dependable, safe, whole, durable, finite, and stable.

It SEEMS like our world will implode if let go of the death grip we have on the way things "should" be, but letting go of the precariously put together, fragile, unstable image of how things "should" be and accepting the reality of the way they ARE is how we find healing.

I've said many times that I truly believe that every part of this journey has been necessary. I absolutely believe this to be true. I believe that my medicine is necessary, as is counseling with Perry and with Nancy. I believe that my time in the hospital was necessary.

I still have good days and bad days...the crazy thing is...it is very freeing.  It's okay to have bad days because I am beginning to feel...

 solid. 

I don't know how else to describe it.

Much love and BIG BIG hugs!

K