Transparency

 

I’m still trying to make this work. I am having a difficult time moving back to writing from my heart, you know…what’s on my mind. I’m having a hard time letting the words go. I’m having a hard time being transparent…and I think I know why…

I don’t like myself much right now. I am riddled with anxiety over things I’ve long given over to Christ. I made an appointment to see Doc for my yearly throat check and now I am hoarse. People are telling me “wow, you sound terrible” again. I KNOW I am fine. Really. I know I am. There is absolutely no reason on earth for me to be freaking out over this. Still, I feel like my chest is in a bear trap. It’s hard to breathe and I feel like my chest and arms go numb when I stop and consider how much anxiety I have over this. Don’t even get me started on the “What ifs”.

I know what you’re going to say. It’s the same thing I’d tell you…

 “Cast all your cares on the Lord”

I know. I am. I do. Still…my body betrays me. I can talk myself back to reality…nothing is wrong; you are fine; your family is fine; there is money in the bank; your job is fine; the church is fine; there is no reason for you to be so anxious. Still…my pulse races, my chest is tight, my stomach aches. I feel like something absolutely terrible and nameless is barreling toward me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Nothing encouraging or uplifting in that, huh? Nothing here that’s going to make you share this with all your friends. Just me being…me….

While God is just being God.  

In the middle of my multiple near meltdowns each day over the past few weeks, I am reminded that “God’s got this.” If I said that once, I said it a thousand times while I had cancer. “He’s got a plan and a purpose.” I don’t have to understand what is going on in my head, my heart, or my body to know that God is in control. Just as I trusted Him when I was sick with cancer and cancer treatments, I can trust Him now. To think that He is any less concerned with my anxiety today than he was with my anxiety when I was sick is to underestimate His love for me.

When I say that God knows every detail of every day of my life, it includes completely irrational bouts with anxiety. God knows why I am struggling. Maybe I need to be reminded to trust Him more fully. Maybe He is preparing me for something looming in the distance. Maybe He just wants me to run back to him. Maybe I am too much like PK #2 when she thinks she is cool with sleeping in her own bed at night. Everything gets dark and quiet and, even though she KNOWS there is nothing in her closet, she calls out for me and wants to be close to me…just in case. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve gotten a bit too brave. Maybe I’ve gotten a little too confident in my own strength and abilities. Maybe this anxiety I feel is nothing more than something to make me cry out for my Father…to run to Him. Maybe He wanted to stir my desire to be close to Him. That would all make sense and I’m not about to try and determine what God will or won’t do to draw His children to Himself.

That’s what this period of anxiety is doing, I mean, aside from making me feel like I am losing my mind and having a heart attack. It is causing me to seek the safety of my Father’s embrace, because I know that no one else can fix this. It is causing me to long for the comfort He gives my soul.

Whatever the reasons behind all this anxiety, I realize that I am thankful for it. It will pass. It always does. Until then, I am thankful for the very physical reminder that I don’t have it all together and I am not so “grown” that I don’t need my Father. “I need thee every hour.” Not just when I’m sick or when someone I love dies.  Not just when I have monumental decisions to make or when I am in desperate need of forgiveness. I need Thee EVERY hour.

Father God,

I need you. All day. Every day. I need you to be a very present help in my life. Continue to draw me to your side. As much as I dislike pain, I am thankful for the pain in this life that makes me long for more of you. Thank you for always drawing me back to you when I think I can make it on my own. Soothe my heart Lord. Please take this anxiety from me. And if you choose not to, please grow my faith as I battle it.

Amen