Thursday, January 8, 2015


Over the past few months, I have started to discover things I enjoy, not because I think that they will make me cool, more likeable, or better; not because I think that they are things others want me to enjoy, but simply because they are things I like to do. I've spent too much time striving to be who I think I "should" be in order to be "good enough". So, I am on a journey to discover what I like (as opposed to what I think others want me to like.) I’ve added several things to my bucket list in the process. Some are things that I want to learn to do. (Tatting may be removed from the list…it is harder than I thought it would be…just sayin) Others are things that I just want to do or see or be.
I am tired of just surviving, and I don’t want to continue to try and be what I think anyone else thinks I should be. I am tired of just making it through another day. It is wearing me out. I want to live the life God has given me, and I feel like I am running out of time to do that.
When I hear other people say things like this, it concerns me because it reeks of recklessness.
I am eternally grateful that my heart is faithful to my First Love and that the things I truly desire to try, taste, do, see, and experience cause no harm, no conflict, no chaos. I am not going to do anything reckless, I just want to be more “me” and less who I think “everyone” thinks I should be. I am eternally grateful that, in the midst of struggling to find myself, I see Jesus Christ and His imprint on my soul. I am not who I once was. My desires are not what they once were. This is absolutely amazing to me.
So, I am crocheting an afghan, even though it seems that it will take 100 years to complete, my husband calls it “sewing”, and my son says only old ladies do it.
I have joined a book club, even though my son said that doing so catapulted me straight from “a bit nerdy” to “total lame-o” and others will never understand why I want to “waste my time” with this.
I am going to paint what I want, when I want, and right now, painting feels like a springtime thing to do. (its really cold in the paint shack)
I am going to continue to learn how to make stuff out of wood, and woodworking feels like a summer time thing to do, since it has to be done mostly outdoors.....unless I can take over the hubs' "shop"....hmmmmm that may be a possibility.
I am going to grow more flowers, because they make me happy.
I am going to play the piano and the guitar and the flute, for me, because I love music.
I am going to go to the gym because I don’t want to die yet and my body is betraying me daily.
I am going to memorize the Sermon on the Mount, because I want to know and be able to share what Jesus said about life and living whenever the opportunity presents itself.
I am going to learn to tat because it cannot POSSIBLY be as hard to do as it seems.
I am going to love people even when  it hurts, because that’s just how God wired me.
I am going to look for God’s hand in every situation.
I am going to see things as from God or from Satan, even if that makes me "super spiritual, yet unrealistic".
I am going to water, fertilize, weed, mow, and protect the grass on my side of the fence. (there’s a blog post in there somewhere)
Yesterday, I taught my preschoolers that they are Fearfully and Wonderfully made and it made me realize that I have spent too much time trying to be who I think I “should” be instead of being who I am…who God created me to be. I think that too many of us spend so much time trying so hard to be who we think we “should” be that we don’t enjoy who we are. I read something last night that said, “What if you painted someone a picture and you waited until it was absolutely perfect to give it to them and, after giving them this perfect gift, you had to listen to them tell you every day all the things that they thought were wrong with it?”. This went on to say that the author wondered how God must feel when we constantly point out what we perceive to be our flaws (God given, not sin-born). I’m not sure how I feel about that, only that I know I am not living an extraordinary life spending so much time and energy trying to be someone I am not. I am tired of comparing myself to others instead of cultivating the strengths, talents, and gifts God has given ME. I cannot recreate myself to be more exceptional than God created me to be.
So my resolution this year is multifaceted, but can be summed up something like this:
I resolve to stop comparing myself to others and focus instead on cultivating and expanding the gifts, strengths, and talents God has given me so that I can grow to be the woman God created me to be.
I resolve to try new things and to seek to discover the fullness and richness of the life God has given me with the people He has given me.
I resolve to nurture and protect the grass on my side of the fence.
I resolve to trust that God knew what He was doing when He created me & that He has a plan and a purpose for my life.
I resolve to write from my heart, and to paint and create things that are beautiful to me, and to do these things for myself… because they bring me joy and satisfaction.
I resolve to invest in people, to love people, be a source of encouragement, and to allow people into my life, trusting again that,  God has a plan in all things, even if I get hurt.
Finally, I resolve to enjoy my husband and my children, to encourage them, care for them, support them, nurture them, pray for them, and help them become the men and woman God created them to be.
Happy New Year!
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