Monday, January 10, 2011

New Years Resolution

I have struggled since just after Christmas to settle on a New Year's resolution.

Resolve to grow spiritually
Resolve to be a better wife
Resolve to be a better mom
Resolve to lose weight
Resolve to get organized
Resolve to keep my house clean
Resolve to cook dinner every night
Resolve to be on time
Resolve to be a better friend
Resolve to be a better steward of my money
Resolve to be more conscientious and caring
Resolve to listen more and talk less
Resolve to obey the speed limit
Resolve to keep the laundry caught up
Resolve to keep my temper
Resolve to NOT pass judgment
Resolve to see the best in people
Resolve not to assume I know what someone else is thinking (especially my husband)
Resolve to....

UGH! I need a complete and total life overhaul! This is so depressing! I am a MESS! It is overwhelming! So, I have not made a resolution yet....but have spent much time obsessing over my many, many, many shortcomings. These past few weeks have left me exhausted, discouraged, and depressed.

I know, and have known for a while, that what I REALLY need is a SPIRITUAL overhaul. Now, Satan would rather I not acknowledge this. Satan would rather I just wallow in my shortcomings. Satan would rather I just lay down and claim defeat. Satan would rather I just give up and call myself a failure.

I think I'll not let Satan have his way with me any longer. I think I am ready to get back in the battle.....maybe. No, I am...I think. No, I know i am. It is time. Actually, it is long past time, but I have been spending too much time feeling sorry for myself to realize that I walked away from the place God put me to fight. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of feeling like a failure and like I have no purpose. I am tired of feeling like the life has been sucked out of me. I am tired of feeling empty and numb.

I quit writing several months ago. What started as my personal thoughts and feelings about The Battle (Ephesians 6:12-13), became something I never intended for it to be. It naturally morphed into my journal while I was being treated for cancer. That was natural and I believe God guided my words through that. Once I was healed, something terrible happened. I began to write what I thought some reader might need to read. Not at first, and not always, but as time went on, I wrote less and less from my heart and more and more for.....what? Acknowledgment? Praise? Adoration? Some combination of all of the above? Something like that.

Writing for "someone" who might stumble across my blog took all of the enjoyment out of writing and replaced it with pressure.

I stopped writing about what I believe God is doing in my life and started writing about what I thought others needed to let God do in theirs.

I stopped writing about my struggles and started writing about struggles I saw in other people's lives.

It makes me sick really. I guess because I know me. I know my heart and I know that somewhere along the way my heart became all about me. I know that I took a gift that God gave me and tried to use it to bring myself glory. Thankfully, I only became a giant in my own mind. Pride is a terrible thing though, and I lost all the joy I once experienced as I poured my heart out at the keyboard because I became so worried about what "someone" might think of what I wrote. (sigh) I also know that at some point along the way I decided that I couldn't (wouldn't) be used by God unless He restored my voice.....but that is a post for another day.

So, here I am. Back at the keyboard. Humbled in ways I could not have imagined otherwise....and I have settled on a resolution.

It is found in Philippians 3:10-11.....

"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead."

I want to know Christ.

So, for the next....however long....I'll share this journey. I don't know what this road will bring, but I do know 3 things:

1-this is the road I am absolutely supposed to be traveling right now.
2- the One who knew me even in my mother's womb will be with me every step of the way
3- even though this is between me and Christ, I am supposed to share this journey with you.

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