Mark 9:24

Haven’t posted in a while. It is not as easy to post here right now because this blog has become my “cancer journal” more than anything else. Since we started the FLO Blog for the Ladies Ministry, I have found it very easy to focus on writing THERE rather than here. Call it an escape mechanism if you will. I really don’t care. Quite honestly, I have not thought much about cancer over the past few weeks…and it’s been really nice. My voice is normal, and for the most part I have felt great, so I really just have not wanted to think about cancer. Now my next visit with Doc S is a week out and the reality of 5 years of monitoring is in my face once again. 5 years! MAN! That’s a long stinkin time! I started thinking about it last week actually. Because of the way my brain works, I cannot help but travel down the “What If” road. “What if” the cancer has come back? “What if” the cancer shows up somewhere else? “What if” they missed something? It is so much better for me to just go on about my business and pretend like I never had cancer.
I am at a point where I could honestly express to Doc S that my anxiety level is just about more than I can take. I have actual physical manifestations of anxiety….pain in my chest, pain in my neck, pain in my shoulders, loss of appetite, insomnia, my throat is constricted, I have a constant headache, and I am absolutely exhausted. I believe that all of these things are symptoms of anxiety and NOT “cancer of the head and neck”. HOWEVER, it is hard for me not to “what if” myself to death …which leads to more anxiety…which makes my chest hurt even more… which makes me wonder about the 5 year recurrence rate…and the survival rate after recurrence…..and the much less favorable outcome for patients with a recurrence …which makes my chest hurt more…you get the picture.
I am honestly embarrassed that I am even feeling this way. I KNOW for an absolute fact that as soon as I see Doc S and he tells me that everything is okay (other than I yap too much), I will be just fine, but I do this EVERY time I have to go see him.
So why the anxiety? I am not afraid. I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if Doc S sits down in from of me next Friday and says “there is a lesion on your cord again” or even “there is a mass in your throat”….I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my response will simply be “so, what do we do now?” I am not worried. I would not say “I am so worried about my appointment on Friday”. So why the anxiety? I truly believe that God has this all under control, Doc S knows what he’s doing, and that all I have to do is go on about my business. So why do my emotions betray what I TRULY believe?

My plight is not unique, nor is it new….as a matter of fact, my prayer is very much like that of the father in Mark 9:
20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Oh GOD! Help me believe beyond the what if’s. I need for my emotions to be in line with what I believe to be true about You and Your provision. I know that you are totally in control and I can already see amazing things that have come to be as a result of this cancer in my body. I truly believe that You have even greater things in store for us and I do totally trust you. Help me Lord to trust you more. Help me keep my eyes on YOU so that I am not so overwhelmed by all that is going on around me. I love you and want so much to serve you more. Whatever this next Doctor’s visit brings, help me to always remember that you are with me and that you will never leave me. You have a plan and a purpose for my life and are in complete control

Relationship revolution

Calvin's sermon has haunted me all week. I know that sounds nutty. I really do always pay attention to his sermons. I really do try to apply his sermons to my life. Sometimes that is easier to do than others. This week's sermon left me no choice. It was and is completely applicable to me personally.

He is preaching through the book of James. This week was Chapter 4 vs 1-3. Let me go ahead and share those verses.

1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Here's the thing...there is no way for me to reason or rationalize this away (not that I would evvvvvvverrrrrrr try to do that). Just for this week, I have tried to find one instance that I could use as an exception the the rule....can't find one.

Every single time I have been put out with someone...it applies.

Every time I have been offended....it applies.

Every time I have gotten aggravated.....you guessed it.

Every time I lost my temper.....yep.

Scripture is funny like that.

Now, sermons like this could make it hard to be a pastor's wife if your pastor does not listen to his own sermon. Thankfully, Calvin DOES take to heart what God leads him to preach to the congregation. The application of this one sermon has revolutionized our relationship with each other and with our children.

I challenge you to try and find a way to rationalize the truth in this scripture away.

The thing that causes fights and quarrels between you and those in your life is WITHIN you. You fight and quarrel because you don't get what you want.

The next time you lose your cool....is it because you didn't get what your way?

The next time you yell at your kids....is it because they didn't do what you want?

The next time you get angry with your spouse....is it because he or she didn't do what you want?

The truth behind this scripture is one that we visited in Ladies Bible Study....

It is not the responsibility of your spouse, your children, your boss, or your friends to make you happy and to "fill you up" emotionally, because that is a spiritual issue. Only God can do that. Only God can meet our spiritual needs. the other truth in this scripture is:

You don't get what you want because you don't ask.....OR when you ask, you ask with selfish motives.........you aren't seeking God's will. (ouch!)

Have trouble trusting people? Do you trust God to put trustworthy people in your life?

The people in your life don't validate you? Do you find value in your status as a child of God?

Boss, friends, spouse, kids don't appreciate the job you do? Are you doing all things as if you are working for GOD and serving HIM in all you do?

Like so many things, it is all in your perspective.

Any of us can turn our focus inward and have a large pity party on any given day. When we turn our gaze upward and focus on serving God it is almost impossible to have a pity party.

Any of us can turn our gaze to the people in our life and become angry and frustrated because they have not met all of our needs, have let us down, have hurt us, taken advantage of us, the list could go on forever......OR we can turn our gaze UPWARD and focus all that fault finding energy on becoming the man or woman God dreamed of when he dreamed of us.

This is a life changing, relationship revolutionizing, earth shattering choice you and I can make right now.

Let the people in your life off the hook.

Stop looking to those around you for meaning and validation and worthiness.

Stop being disappointed in the people in your life for not being God.

Only God can validate your TRUE worth.

Only God can fill you up emotionally.

Only God can give your life meaning.

Stop looking to the creation to do things the Creator longs to do for you!

hugs

K

Memorial Day Weekend