Friday, June 12, 2009

Mark 9:24

Haven’t posted in a while. It is not as easy to post here right now because this blog has become my “cancer journal” more than anything else. Since we started the FLO Blog for the Ladies Ministry, I have found it very easy to focus on writing THERE rather than here. Call it an escape mechanism if you will. I really don’t care. Quite honestly, I have not thought much about cancer over the past few weeks…and it’s been really nice. My voice is normal, and for the most part I have felt great, so I really just have not wanted to think about cancer. Now my next visit with Doc S is a week out and the reality of 5 years of monitoring is in my face once again. 5 years! MAN! That’s a long stinkin time! I started thinking about it last week actually. Because of the way my brain works, I cannot help but travel down the “What If” road. “What if” the cancer has come back? “What if” the cancer shows up somewhere else? “What if” they missed something? It is so much better for me to just go on about my business and pretend like I never had cancer.
I am at a point where I could honestly express to Doc S that my anxiety level is just about more than I can take. I have actual physical manifestations of anxiety….pain in my chest, pain in my neck, pain in my shoulders, loss of appetite, insomnia, my throat is constricted, I have a constant headache, and I am absolutely exhausted. I believe that all of these things are symptoms of anxiety and NOT “cancer of the head and neck”. HOWEVER, it is hard for me not to “what if” myself to death …which leads to more anxiety…which makes my chest hurt even more… which makes me wonder about the 5 year recurrence rate…and the survival rate after recurrence…..and the much less favorable outcome for patients with a recurrence …which makes my chest hurt more…you get the picture.
I am honestly embarrassed that I am even feeling this way. I KNOW for an absolute fact that as soon as I see Doc S and he tells me that everything is okay (other than I yap too much), I will be just fine, but I do this EVERY time I have to go see him.
So why the anxiety? I am not afraid. I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if Doc S sits down in from of me next Friday and says “there is a lesion on your cord again” or even “there is a mass in your throat”….I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my response will simply be “so, what do we do now?” I am not worried. I would not say “I am so worried about my appointment on Friday”. So why the anxiety? I truly believe that God has this all under control, Doc S knows what he’s doing, and that all I have to do is go on about my business. So why do my emotions betray what I TRULY believe?

My plight is not unique, nor is it new….as a matter of fact, my prayer is very much like that of the father in Mark 9:
20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Oh GOD! Help me believe beyond the what if’s. I need for my emotions to be in line with what I believe to be true about You and Your provision. I know that you are totally in control and I can already see amazing things that have come to be as a result of this cancer in my body. I truly believe that You have even greater things in store for us and I do totally trust you. Help me Lord to trust you more. Help me keep my eyes on YOU so that I am not so overwhelmed by all that is going on around me. I love you and want so much to serve you more. Whatever this next Doctor’s visit brings, help me to always remember that you are with me and that you will never leave me. You have a plan and a purpose for my life and are in complete control
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