Over the past 3 months I've shared a lot about going to the gym and what not. Today was the last day of PLS Summer Training. I'll write about the physical results tomorrow but today I want to share something that goes a bit deeper than inches or pounds.
Honestly, I considered QUITTING... NOW... here at the very end... I want to QUIT. It started 3 weeks ago and the feeling has gotten progressively stronger...
This morning I realized why... and it is quite interesting...to me at least.
To put it simply, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that, at the end of this, my results will not be what the people around me expect and... I will have failed. It is easier to quit... and fail by choice... than to try and fail anyway.
This brought to mind a conversation I had with Mom over the weekend. She told me (again) I should pursue painting and told me (again) that I should write a book. She asked (again) why I don't and I told her "I'm afraid." We talked about this for a long time. Bottom line is, just like with the gym, I am afraid to fail.
I'd rather NOT do something and fail by choice than really try and hope to succeed and still fail.
Goodness... I've had this same conversation with myself before.
Here's the thing that I realized yesterday, the thing that's different and that prompted me to write about it today:
There is no option to succeed.
In my mind, in my heart, in the deep places where the real, raw, and brutally honest part of me lives, I believe that my only options are to try and fail or to quit and fail by choice... there is no option to succeed.
So...what if I consider success as an option?
What would my life look like if I strive for success instead of striving for the least painful way to fail?
What would change if my life wasn't ruled by fear of failure?
What would change if I didn't make decisions based on what I believe will disappoint the people I love the least?
I wonder what my life would look like if I didn't spend energy looking for logical, believable, acceptable reasons to justify self-imposed failure and instead spent that energy honestly striving for success.
I recognize that this fear of failure has stolen so much from me. It brings to mind John 10:10, where Jesus tells us, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Is fear the tool that Satan has used to steal, kill, and destroy in my life?
I'll close with a few more verses... for the day when I look back on this and need to be reminded... and for you, if you need it today.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
—2 Timothy 1:7
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? - Psalm 56:3-4
Much love and Big Big hugs!!!!!
K
No comments:
Post a Comment