It is hard to believe that one year ago today I tried to end my life.
I've learned so much in just 12 months.
I've come to fully believe that my value and worth as a person come from my identity in Christ and not in what other people think I'm worth.
I've learned that someone's opinion of me (good or bad) doesn't change who I am.
I've (re)learned to be curious and objective about many things. I've learned that there is no danger in carefully unpacking something to examine it more closely. I've learned that it is okay to stop and examine things that bother me and consider WHY they bother me, rather than assuming that I am wrong for feeling bothered.
I've learned to let things go. Some things just aren't worth the struggle.
I've learned to stop trying so hard. Perhaps the one thing that has brought me the most freedom is accepting that not everyone that I want in my life needs (or wants) to be there. Please understand... there is absolutely no negative feeling attached to this. There are several relationships in my life in which I am the person doing the majority of the reaching out...sometimes not even receiving responses to my reaching out. I have always believed that, by continuing to reach out to someone, I am proving my loyalty and showing them the value of having me in their life...and the need I have for them to be in mine. I've realized that this effort on my part is, for the most part, futile. I am no longer trying to prove my value and worth. I am going to be who I am and trust that the people who are supposed to be in my life will be. This has been a monumental paradigm shift for me.
I've learned that this battle against depression and suicide ideation is ongoing and is one I must fight primarily on my own. Even tho I do have people that I count on to point me back in the right direction when I get off track, no one can fight this battle for me. (except God, when I surrender my will to His... but that is a long post for another day)
I've learned that people are afraid of suicide. That sounds much more cynical than I actually feel. I know that, for the most part, people want to help...they just don't know how to.
I've learned that seasons of intense depression come and go. I've learned that, as long as I don't give up, I will have better days.
I have learned that I get more of what I focus on. Don't misunderstand me. I take my meds. I see my counselor. I tell someone when I feel myself slipping into the darkness. BUT I get more of what I focus on.
When I focus on the darkness, I get more darkness.
When I focus on light, I get more light.
I've learned that I have peace when I am obedient to God's Word and when I embrace who God created me to be. I've stopped trying to please others by being who I think they think I should be. I don't take responsibility for other's happiness or unhappiness...or for their actions. I've learned to put healthy boundaries in place. I've learned to respect, value, and care for myself. I've learned that bad days are part of life, but life as a whole is not bad. When bad days come, I've learned to take a deep breath and just wait it out. Most of all, I am striving to be who God created me to be and trusting that the people who are supposed to be part of my life will be there.
There are always going to be better days.
K
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