Logically, I know that everything is fine. I have no reason to think that Doc will give me anything but good news. The cancer shouldn’t come back. We caught it early. Attacked it and for 3 years I have been cancer free. Logic tells me that going to the see Doc doesn’t make me sick. Either I am or I am not. If I am, I need to be treated. If I am not, I can stop worrying. I know all this and tell myself this over and over every day. Problem is, my fears and feelings are not logical.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
No Matter What Tomorrow Brings...
So, I go see Doc for my annual “let’s see if the cancer is back” check up tomorrow.
I made this appointment months ago and have fought everything in me not to cancel it several times each day over the past few weeks. I’ve often said that I should have let the Preacher make the appointment and then have him tell me the day of the appointment rather than have it hanging over my head for months. The anxiety is almost unbearable. . If it goes well, I will celebrate 4 years cancer free on the 31st. If it doesn’t go well, I will be plummeting into the valley again.
I am hoarse again. People…complete strangers… have been asking about my voice. My neck hurts and I feel…unwell. No matter the physical things I can notice or imagine to give me anxiety, there is one question that is near to sending me over the edge.
What if it’s back?
What if it is? What am I going to do if he says there is something he’d like to take a closer look at? What am I going to do if he gets that look on his face that reveals more about his concern than his words do? What am I going to do if it’s back? Whether I like it or not, it could be. Every time the thought “what if it is back” crosses my mind, my chest tightens, I get sick to my stomach, I have a hard time swallowing or breathing, my ears ring, my heart races, my head swims. Cancer is a vicious nasty monster and the treatments to keep it at bay are not much better. I do not want to face it again….but there is always a possibility that I might have to.
So today, before tomorrow, I need to decide how I will handle it if my visit with Doc does not go like I want it to. I am tired of just being anxious. It is time to address this and figure out how I really feel about it all.
I am standing on the edge of the cliff again. Before me lies a dark valley full of shadows and unknown dangers. Behind me is my normal happy cancer-free life. Tomorrow, one of two things will happen. Either I will turn from the valley, step away from the ledge, and return to my happy, normal, cancer-free life OR I will close my eyes and leap off that ledge into the darkness of the valley below, knowing that my Savior will be there waiting to catch me…just as He was before.
I suppose things are the same as they were the last time I stood here. I do not want to have cancer again. I do not want to revisit that valley. BUT if God entrusts me with this battle yet again, I will fight it. I know that He will not leave my side. I know that He will carry me when I am weak and weary. I know that He will put people in my path who need to see more of Him and who need to know Him. I know that all things will work together for good, because I love the Lord. He has a plan and a purpose and I trust that his plan is best.
I don’t know what else to say about this. I just wanted to record my thoughts today…before tomorrow…because I really am expecting Doc to give me the all clear and a high five and I will go home feeling like all is right in my world again. It’s so easy to say I trust God’s plan when it agrees with mine. I need to say today that I trust His plan no matter what it is. I will follow Him into the valley if that’s where my life will bring Him the most glory and I will serve Him cancer free if that is where my life will bring Him the most glory. Either way, when it is all said and done the only thing that will matter is that I serve the one who saved me...and I will do that no matter what tomorrow brings.