Thursday, March 5, 2015

I promise

 
 
 
 
One of the things I promised my self I would do this year is write for me. Oh my goodness, it is so easy to fall into writing what I think people will read, like, and share. I guess it's rooted in my deep desire for acceptance and approval. I feel like if people read, like, and share my thoughts, then I am not a failure.
 
From time to time I go back and read over some of the things I have written and I am almost always surprised by what I find. There are periods of time when words seem to flow freely and there are times when my writing seems forced. Some posts are full of passion and others are empty.
I've been puzzled as to why some posts resonate with emotion and others fall flat. I believe that it all boils down to the motive behind my writing.
 
I began this blog as a tool to sort through my thoughts. I have always kept a journal and this is pretty much just an electronic version of that. Each time I've had cancer, "In the Battle" gave me a place to vent my frustrations and work through my emotions. It was easy to write during those times because they were so emotional.
 
Now, when things are normal, it is not so easy to write. So I sit here and stare at a blank screen and wonder if I should even try to write at all. I don't have anything profound to say. I don't have any crazy over the top stories of faith to share. I'm not feeling particularly courageous or inspired. Truth be told, I'm struggling in lots of areas and really need some time to just work through the details of life. My heart is heavy. I am burdened not only because of things going on in my life, but because I have friends who are struggling. I am weary.  I feel overwhelmed and under-qualified in lots of areas. I suppose that if I am writing to feed my pride, then no, I shouldn't keep writing because few are interested in the mundane day to day goings on of this Pastor's wife.
 
However, if I am writing for me, to sort through my thoughts, challenges, fears, anxieties, frustrations, and spiritual walk, then yes, I absolutely should continue to write. Why? Because God ministers to ME through my writing about everyday mundane stuff that means nothing to anyone but me. When I look back over past posts, God reminds me of how CLOSE to Him I have been...and how far from Him I have been. He speaks to me thru me and I think that's pretty stinkin awesome.
So, this year I am going to allow myself to write about whatever and not worry about numbers or visitors or followers or anything else. I think it will be good for me.
 
I promise myself that I will write what I feel and not what I think I should feel.
I promise myself that I will  not beat myself up if I have nothing to say for several weeks in a row.
I promise myself that I will  not look at the analytics.
I promise myself that I will  not keep up with the # of followers.
I promise myself that I will simply write from my heart about whatever I'm working through when I sit down at the keyboard without trying to anticipate whether or not anyone else will find my thoughts worth reading.
 
I promise myself that I will relax and trust God to use me if and when He sees fit.