Monday, March 23, 2015
In just a few short months, I've realized that I like me. I've made peace with my inner-nerd. I'm okay with the fact that I hate to shop and I've stopped trying to make myself enjoy it. I like peace and quiet. I enjoy being alone. I'm making progress, but there is one specific thing that has held me back.
Years ago, I had to see a neurologist for migraines. In the process of working on my migraines, he asked what I was taking for my ADD/OCD. I was (sort of) shocked and told him that I've never been diagnosed with either and he said that it was obvious that I had both. That's a post for another day. In the process of dealing with this neurologist, I asked a friend if there was anything else that I should mention to him while he is diagnosing me with all sorts of crazy things. She said:
"You need to talk to him about your super-spiritual, unrealistic view of God."
I know I've mentioned this conversation several times over the past few years. I'm not sure exactly what prompted her comment, but I do know that at that time I was completely submitted to God and His will for my life. I was recovering from my first bout with cancer and was absolutely solid in my willingness to do whatever I could to bring God glory in the midst of my trial. I KNEW that God would allow whatever brought HIM the most glory. I was eager to be part of His plan...and I told whoever would listen.
However, since she told me this, I've tried to contain my "super-spirituality" in order to protect myself from ever feeling that pain and rejection again. I've learned to stop myself before I explain how any given situation is an example of God's or Satan's influence in the world we live in. I learned project a more "realistic" view of God, even though it's not MY view of God. I've protected myself from comments like "no one thinks that way" and I suppose that's saved me some heartache, but I absolutely hate it. I hate trying to control my reactions to what I clearly see God doing. I hate biting my tongue to avoid the blank stare from someone who doesn't see the connection between what they just told me and what I am telling them about God.
Since I started this journey, I have battled with this more than anything else. This is not who I am. Over the past month, I have struggled terribly. I've not been able to control the "old me" who saw everything as "from God" or "from Satan". I've had difficulty refraining from turning any given situation into a Sunday School lesson (or blog post). I've not been able to hide my surprise when others do not see God working in their circumstances. As a result, I've pulled away from people who I feel could assume that my "super spiritual" attitude is "unrealistic".
I asked God to help me sort it out.
Sunday, The hubs' sermon title was "In Search of.....Purpose". I won't go into detail, but God said a few things to me thru him. First off, according to scripture, our ONLY purpose is to bring God glory. We are created to be submitted to HIM and used by Him to bring glory to Himself. He said that we will never find our purpose outside serving God and bringing Him glory.
I had it right before.
No wonder I have been struggling! My "super-spiritual" view of God is spot on! I am not flawed in my thinking. My purpose is to bring God Glory.
I'm not going to let her opinion of my spiritual life influence who I am any longer. I am looking forward to loosing the restraints I've put in place and becoming more of the "super-spiritual, unrealistic" woman God created me to be.