Friday, January 24, 2014

Regaining my Focus

Last night and this morning I spent time looking back over different things God brought me through over the past several years and at all the battles He prompted me to share here. I was also made painfully aware of battles I fought, especially this past year, that I didn't exactly win and didn't write about. Maybe if I'd continued to write, I'd have been more victorious? Perhaps. I know that when I write, I seek God more consistently. When I put things in print, they are easier for me to look at objectively.
Maybe thinking about Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames has caused me to take a serious look at my spiritual life.  I don't doubt my salvation nor do I doubt my call to the ministry. I certainly don't doubt my call to care for Calvin as he leads our congregation. I don't doubt my influence on my children or my ability to nurture them in the Lord. BUT the last time we did HG/HF, I was made painfully aware of just how spiritually immature I was and I wonder, am I more mature now than I was then?
Last time we did the drama, Rick and Julie were our leaders. We became friends and spent a good amount of time together. To me, they are "Super Christians". They are steeped in God's Word. Their days revolve around their ministry. Every conversation, every activity, every choice, everything they do ties back to God and what God is doing in their lives or in the lives of people they know. 
After visiting with Julie one on one, I was painfully aware that I had a LONG way to go to be like her....and I wanted very much to be like her. Looking back over the past several years recorded here, I see how God grew me through circumstances that forced me to focus on Him, choose to follow Him, trust Him, etc. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I can see how God used the circumstances over the past several years to reveal Himself and His character to me. In the process, He matured me Spiritually.
Looking forward to HG/HF  and preparing my heart for revival made me stop and I closer to God than I was when we did this last time? Am I more Spiritually mature?
I think I WAS maturing and moving closer and closer to God and following His will for my life.... and I chose to stop seeking God's hand in every detail of my day. A friend told me that I need to seek help for my "super spiritual, but unrealistic, view of life". It broke my heart and made me doubt everything I'd believed God had called me to do. I have second guessed everything I have done since that time. Each time I teach, sing in the choir, do anything for our congregation, and every time I start to tell someone how God is working, I hear her words in my head. Many times her voice stops me in my tracks.
Over the past several months, I have come to realize that I was wrong to allow her comment to derail my pursuit to be closer to God. Where I should have seen her comment as a tell-tell sign of her own spiritual walk, I used it as an excuse to stop focusing on God and His hand in my life and to start focusing on everything else... and I have been perfectly miserable since.
So, as I prepare for revival through HG/HF this weekend, I am committing to seek God with desperation. I want very much to be used again by Him. If those around me don't understand, then so be it. I can't let someone's opinion of me and my relationship with God stand in the way of Him growing me into a mature Christian woman who can be used by Him.
I didn't make a New Year's resolution this year, but now is as good a time as any.
 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:31-34
I resolve to seek God's kingdom and His righteousness first and let everything else fall into place.
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