Monday, April 26, 2010

me and jonah

I sent Christa a post today for the FLO blog. You can click on the link to the right of this page and go there. She does a FABULOUS job on that blog!  Anyway, I sent her a post today. i do from time to time.

Seems that I have discovered what my "slump" is all about. I am hangin out in the belly of a whale. Not literally of course. I just can't get past this.I know I posted yesterday about giving God my "Firsts" instead of my left-overs.

In the post I sent Christa for the FLO blog, I also refered to giving God what he desires rather than "what I can". 

But isn't that what I do? I do what I can. When I can. It is hard for me to let go and let God do big things in my least it is hard to do when i can handle life on my own.

Isn't that always the case? When I call on God, let go and give Him control is when I realize that things are bigger than I can deal when I had cancer, or when the doc thought Calvin had a heart problem, or when my sister ran away from home, or when my brother had a severe neck injury playing football, or when a tree fell on my step dad's back, or when my mom smashed the bones in her ankle all to pieces, or when the doctor told me I was probably going to lose my first child in the 13th week of pregnancy (he is 11 yrs old now), or get the picture. I am like everyone else I guess. It is easy for me to run into my Father's arms when things get tough. When i can't fix it, I run to God and say "okay, I give up. You take it from here"

How much richer would my life be if I ran to God in the GOOD times and said, "okay, YOU can do a better job here than I can. You take it from here."

I'm trying. Really I am.  Really. I get up in the morning and say, "Okay God. No more Hangin out with Jonah. You wnat me to write, I'll write. Just give me the words. You want me to teach, I'll teach. Just give me the lesson. You wnat me to talk to women, I'll talk. Just tell me what to say.You want me to love Calvin and nurture him and be his help mate, I will. Just tell me what he needs. Want me to raise godlly kids, You got it. Just tell me what to do." But today, like so many days, it is now time for bed and I am wondering "how'd I do God?" Nothing amazing happened. Nothing earth shattering or life changing happened today. Did I miss it?

Here's the thing.....I want...I REALLY want to do BIG things for God. I want to do GOD-SIZED things. I do. I really really do. But I am a chicken. I am afraid of failing and the things I feel in my heart that God is wanting to do through me are things I cannot do.

So in lies the problem. And again i am in the belly of the whale with Jonah. Or maybe I am in the boat on the way to Tarshish. Either way, I am struggling.

I feel like i am standing on the high dive. I know all i have to do is jump and everything will be fine. It's the jumping part that is the problem.

So, for now i am fighting myself. I WANT to do BIG things....but I'm just me andI know me...and I'm not all that great.

I DO serve a GREAT BIG HUGE AMAZING GOD and I want so much to bring Him glory with my life.

So I guess the question is do I trust Him?

Oh Lord! I do believe! Help my unbelief!

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