Tuesday, September 15, 2009

If all I had was one last breath...I'd use it just to sing Your praise- Just to say Your name

It is hard to imagine that it has been almost a year since my first surgery. It is hard to believe that this time last year I had no idea that my upcoming surgery to remove a "cyst" from my vocal cord would be the first of 4 surgeries, that I would be diagnosed with cancer, have a neck dissection, and spend the better part of 8 months being silent. It is hard to imagine...and now it seems like a dream. A distant memory. Still, from time to time something happens that reminds me that there was a time not so many months ago that I feared I would never speak again. That God would take my voice forever.
During those silent days I listened to a LOT of music. It nearly killed me sometimes, but I couldn't help it. I would drive in the car with the radio blasting and cry til I had no tears left. See, I LOVE to sing in the car. In my car I sound like...well, whoever is in my Cd player or on the radio! In the car I can sing loud and strong and not worry about notes or even words. That's never been the case when I sang in church (alone or in the choir or in the congregation). I was always so self conscious...worried about what people would think.
So, driving in my car, crying my eyes out because I couldn't sing, (or talk, or whisper) "I know you're there" by casting crowns came on and I made a promise...to myself more than anything...that if I was ever able to sing again I would "raise a noise to make the heavens ring".
On my way home from work today I was singing my heart out (yeah, I'm the one everyone makes fun of at the red light) and I remembered those days when I wanted more than anything to lift my voice in Praise and I thanked God...really deep down with everything I have thanked Him for those dark, silent days. Because of those dark days, I have an appreciation for lifting my voice in praise to the God who saves me. And I can truly say that "if all I had was one last breath, I'd spend it just to sing your praise, just to say your name" and "if all I had was one last chance, I'd take it- I'd stake it all on You" .
My God is amazing. He loved me enough to allow me to travel a dark, lonely road so that I'd learn to trust Him more. He loved me enough to allow me to be scared to death so I'd learn to let Him calm my fears. He loved me enough to take away my voice so that He could give it back to me as a precious gift.
It hit me again driving home today, I REALLY do love God. I mean really, deep down absolutely positively without any doubt love God. Head over heels crazy in love with Him.
So, enjoy the song....and sing with me at the top of your lungs.
Hugs!
K