Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Can't sleep......

Well, it's 2 in the morning (almost) and I cannot sleep. Perhaps it's the excitement of my family coming home tomorrow. Perhaps it's my mind's way of squeezing every second out of my time alone. Perhaps it's the 4 glasses of tea I drank with Christie at dinner. Whatever the cause...I am wide awake and my mind is racing.

God has given me a new gift. Not sure when I got it exactly, but I have recently been made aware of it. God has allowed me to live long enough to begin to see my life as seasons. He has also been gracious enough to open my eyes to His hand in my life during the seasons thus far. I certainly don't have all the answers to all of my whys, but He has been gracious enough to answer several of them recently.

We all have difficult people in our lives. I am blessed in that I have very few. (I am probably the difficult person in all my friends and family's lives!) There is one relationship in particular that has caused me a great deal of heartache...not frustration or anger or grief, but actual heartache. I have for years questioned God about this particular relationship because I simply could not understand WHY God would allow this when He knew how much pain it would cause me. I finally asked Him, "WHY did you put this person in my life?" The answer was as clear as any I have ever gotten. God spoke to my heart and answered "I didn't put this person in your life, I put you in theirs." I was breathless. God didn't stop there. He reminded me of things that had been said and done that revealed the influence my life was having on this person. Never have I been so grateful that God allowed me to suffer heartache. In allowing it, He allowed me a small part in the story of this difficult person's coming to fully know Christ.

He has also been gracious in showing me what He saved me from. I'll never know this side of heaven all the traps and snares He guided me around, but He has over time shown me why He did not give me some of the greatest desires of my heart. Every time....every single time He said "no, you can't have that", it was because He had something better for me....every single time. Took me decades to realize this in some cases, but looking back, I can say that this is true 100% of the time.

He has given me more than I could have ever dreamed for myself. Life's not always easy, and is often hectic, and many time frustrating, and even disappointing....but He promises that He is with me, and He has proven Himself trustworthy.... throughout history, and to me personally.
I still have "whys" and there are still many many things I don't understand. BUT God is growing me. He is revealing more and more of Himself to me. It is easier and easier to just trust Him. It is becoming more natural to seek HIS will.

It was enough that he gave me the Bible to show me what He is like. It was enough that He has proven Himself throughout the ages. Still, He took time to sit with this daughter and say "Look and see how far we've come, you and I." He took time to show me where He has been faithful in MY life.......

I have had lots of time to think while Calvin and the kids have been away. I realized over the weekend that I am perfectly content with where God has me planted. I'm really going to focus on blooming here and stop trying to see what God has around the corner. He's brought me this far in His time and on His terms. I figure I'll be better off letting Him handle the next 36 or so years too.

2:30 in the morning now....is it even worth trying to go to sleep at this point??????

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