My Week In Pictures

 Maybe it's mid-life crisis. Maybe it's menopause. Maybe...it's just life. Whatever "it" is... I'm not a fan.

Seems like I should be done with all this soul searching by now. SEEMS that I should have a solid grasp on who I am and why I'm here by now. I'm almost 52 for goodness sake. You'd THINK I'd have all this figured out by now. 

Maybe life isn't as complicated as I make it out to be. MAYBE I'm just supposed to exist for a certain number of years before I go to heaven. Maybe it's not God's plan for me to make a difference. Maybe my purpose was to raise Brian and Izzy and I'm just supposed to support Calvin the rest of my time here. MAYBE I think too much of myself and my ability to serve Christin any capacity other then to support my family. That would be okay. It would be easier that way. 

WHATEVER is going on with me, I have felt for a long time that I don't "do" anything. I FEEL like I just go to work and go home. So, I started taking pictures of ANYTHING that makes me smile or catches my attention. On Sundays, I'm posting the pictures I took the previous week. I know it's not profound. Maybe it will help me see my life from a different perspective.

We'll see.

Big hugs, 

K

This Is Me ... or is it?

 I am participating in a leadership program called SOAR for Women. 

We met on Friday. The session focused on goals and one of our exercises was to set 10 goals then select the one that, if achieved , would most impact our lives. Then we selected one more goal from the list that would greatly impact our lives. We should spend most of our time and energy focused on these tow things.

Another exercise is to create a vision board. This is supposed to reflect my perfect life. I have gotten mine started. We will present them when we meet in Atlanta in June. I titled mine "This Is Me" and chose adjectives that I would like to describe me. They don't, but remember, this is my idea of a perfect me. My adjectives are Courageous, Compassionate, Controlled, Committed, Creative, and Calm. What adjectives would you use to describe your best self?

Over the past 4 months, SOAR has consistently shown me that I am not who I want to be. This month I was reminded that the reason I'm not who I want to be is because I am focused on lots of things that don't contribute to me growing into the person I want to be.

I will share one of the questions that put things in perspective for me.

"If you had $20 million in your bank account and only 10 years to live, what would you do?"

I realized that I am not doing anything to become who I want to be. Did I already say that?

I may share my goals and my thoughts about who I want to be...or I may not. Either way, I won't share it tonight. Just thought I WOULD share the question that sparked me to ask "What am I doing with my life?"

Big Hugs

K

Maybe you aren't broken - the challenge

Maybe you are like me and feel... less than. Not good enough. Too much of this, not enough of that. Maybe your brain tells you all the ways you fail every day... every minute even. Just when you think you have done something good or are in some way winning, your brain reminds you that you aren't really good and you aren't really winning. You have one second of victory in any small way and your brain brings up every ugly moment of your life - just to make sure you don't think too much of yourself. Maybe you have a list of things you need to fix in order to be "good enough" and that list just keeps getting longer with every perceived failure, every less than perfect relationship, every goal that isn't reached or dream that isn't realized.

If so, this post is for you.

Earlier this week a sweet friend asked "Do you know what I don't like about you?"

I braced myself for one more thing to add to the list of things I need to work on. My chest tightened and I felt a bit sick to my stomach as I waited the few seconds between question and answer...

"I don't like that you always think you need to be fixed. I don't think you're broken."

I may have stopped breathing. My constantly racing thoughts came to a screeching halt. My brain TRIED to process this and failed. I was speechless, my brain frozen, heart pounding - not just because of THIS conversation, but because it reinforced what my therapist said earlier in the week. At this week's session, G said "What if you don't need to be fixed? What if you are fine just like you are?"

A few days have passed since either of these conversations and my poor brain still cannot make sense of them. Both G and my friend listed off several positive things they see in me. I am not able to see myself from their point of view.

So - I've been challenged to make a list of the things I like about me. Not things that I think others like about me. Not reasons that other people like me. Not things that others have told me are good in me. I'm to make a list of things I actually like about myself. The hope is that I will discover that I'm okay like I am, but so far I have not been able to start this list...so I'm not sure it will be a beneficial exercise.

 We'll see.

Maybe - like me- you need to consider this...maybe you aren't broken. Maybe you don't need to be fixed. Are you perfect? I seriously doubt it. None of us are. Maybe perfect is a lie - maybe "perfect" blinds you to "good enough."  MAYBE you are really okay and you just don't see it.

Maybe you need to make a list of the things you like about you. Not things you think others like about you or things others say they like about you... but things YOU like about you. Without taking ANYONE else's thoughts or opinions into consideration....

What do YOU like about you?

(I'd love to see your list)

Maybe we will discover we aren't as broken as we think we are.

Much love and big big hugs to you!

K