Maybe you aren't broken - the challenge

Maybe you are like me and feel... less than. Not good enough. Too much of this, not enough of that. Maybe your brain tells you all the ways you fail every day... every minute even. Just when you think you have done something good or are in some way winning, your brain reminds you that you aren't really good and you aren't really winning. You have one second of victory in any small way and your brain brings up every ugly moment of your life - just to make sure you don't think too much of yourself. Maybe you have a list of things you need to fix in order to be "good enough" and that list just keeps getting longer with every perceived failure, every less than perfect relationship, every goal that isn't reached or dream that isn't realized.

If so, this post is for you.

Earlier this week a sweet friend asked "Do you know what I don't like about you?"

I braced myself for one more thing to add to the list of things I need to work on. My chest tightened and I felt a bit sick to my stomach as I waited the few seconds between question and answer...

"I don't like that you always think you need to be fixed. I don't think you're broken."

I may have stopped breathing. My constantly racing thoughts came to a screeching halt. My brain TRIED to process this and failed. I was speechless, my brain frozen, heart pounding - not just because of THIS conversation, but because it reinforced what my therapist said earlier in the week. At this week's session, G said "What if you don't need to be fixed? What if you are fine just like you are?"

A few days have passed since either of these conversations and my poor brain still cannot make sense of them. Both G and my friend listed off several positive things they see in me. I am not able to see myself from their point of view.

So - I've been challenged to make a list of the things I like about me. Not things that I think others like about me. Not reasons that other people like me. Not things that others have told me are good in me. I'm to make a list of things I actually like about myself. The hope is that I will discover that I'm okay like I am, but so far I have not been able to start this list...so I'm not sure it will be a beneficial exercise.

 We'll see.

Maybe - like me- you need to consider this...maybe you aren't broken. Maybe you don't need to be fixed. Are you perfect? I seriously doubt it. None of us are. Maybe perfect is a lie - maybe "perfect" blinds you to "good enough."  MAYBE you are really okay and you just don't see it.

Maybe you need to make a list of the things you like about you. Not things you think others like about you or things others say they like about you... but things YOU like about you. Without taking ANYONE else's thoughts or opinions into consideration....

What do YOU like about you?

(I'd love to see your list)

Maybe we will discover we aren't as broken as we think we are.

Much love and big big hugs to you!

K

Create In Me A Clean Heart

 My heart hurts. Seems I say that a lot now. Maybe I don't say it out loud, but I think those words many times daily.

This isn't some metaphorical something or a vague reflection of something I don't want to deal with. It is a tangible feeling. It feels like a heavy emptiness resting in my chest. It has taken up residence primarily in the space below my breast bone, between my ribs, nestled in with my lungs and heart. It rests just ok beneath any laughter, any smile, any celebration... it is a heavy sad empty smothering something that mostly reminds me of the many ways that I should be doing better, trying harder, giving more. I have not always carried it with me, but I cannot remember what it feels like to be free of it. 

 My heart hurts because life at 50 is not what I imagined.  My heart hurts because I long for something or someone to make me less broken, less fragile, less vulnerable.  My heart aches for something or someone to help me find meaning in all this that is my life. My heart aches because I'm lonely - I long for deep meaningful relationships, but I am not brave enough to let anyone really know me. I could go on...

I was happier when I had cancer than I am now.  That may seem strange. When I had cancer, I knew I had no control over what was happening to me and I chose to lean fully on Christ. During those years, everything was about Jesus and I saw Jesus's hand in everything. I felt His presence in my life and His influence on my soul. During that time and the time shortly after, loving Jesus gave my life meaning. Jesus was my compass. Everything revolved around my love for Christ and serving Him... and I was mostly happy. 

I realize now that I have not loved Jesus deeply for quite some time. This didn't happen all at once. I passively got lazy in my relationship with Christ. Things were generally okay in my life and I felt I could handle things on my own. Once I'd started losing my connection with Christ, multiple situations wrecked my life and hurt me so deeply that I questioned God's sovereignty. I spent several different extended periods of time with an overwhelming feeling of abandonment. I angrily cried "Why would you allow this, God? Why won’t you stop this? Why won't you fix it? Why have you abandoned me?" I didn't get any answers, and those painful situations didn't change or go away so I tried to find peace and comfort in people and things. All the things I've used to soothe my soul over the past several years have also caused me some level of pain...not because they were bad, but because they weren't meant to soothe my soul. 

So here I am... and my heart hurts.

I've been completely in love with Christ and then drifted away from Him. I've leaned heavily on Jesus and then felt that life was easy enough to handle without Him. I feel like a hypocrite now that I realize how far I have drifted from who I believe God created me to be, but it's not like I stopped believing in Jesus... I just lost sight of how desperately I need Him. I know I'm not the only one. 

My heart was made to love Jesus.  I have never been happier or more content than when I've been completely focused on Christ. This is who I am. I am Christ's. My heart was created for Him. When Jesus saved my soul, He changed me. Knowing Christ made me a different person. Nothing has truly soothed my aching heart over the past 8-10 years because it belongs to Christ. I am so very thankful to have a Savior who knows my heart. I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit has drawn me back to Christ, because Christ loves me best. I am so thankful that God is about restoration and redemption and healing and love.

The longer I live, the more thankful I am for the imperfect people in the Bible. Tonight I feel a special connection to David. I'll close with some of the verses from his prayer in Psalm 51. They are especially healing to my heart tonight.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do  not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Hugs!

K