Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

 I've been thinking a lot about the promise in Psalm 139. Specifically, verses 13 and 14:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,  I know that full well.

God's ability to create infinitely beautiful and amazing things overwhelms me. I am astounded, amazed, mesmerized, in awe of, and left breathless by the majesty of the world and all that is in it that God has created. I see and appreciate the perfection and the beauty of God's handiwork all around me.

The intricate details on the wings of butterflies and flower petals amaze me. The sensation of warm sunshine on my skin in spring and cool breeze on my face in the fall remind me of the gentleness of my Creator. When that same sunshine gives us our brutally hot Mississippi summers and that same breeze grows to hurricane force winds, I am reminded of God's power. The ocean, the night sky, and mountains remind me that I am infinitely small... and I am amazed that the Creator of all these amazing things would take time to know me.

Waterfalls mesmerize me. They are my favorite things in nature. I could sit at the base of a waterfall and listen to the crashing water, the birds, and all the other sounds of nature for hours. I love the smell of damp earth and decaying leaves. I love the way the sunlight dances through the dense foliage. I love the way rock feels beneath my skin. I soak in the peacefulness and appreciate my own insignificance compared to the majesty of these beautifully destructive forces of nature.

So then, it stands to reason that I would celebrate Psalm 139. The same God that created all these wonderfully beautiful things that bring me such joy also created me...my inmost being...knit me together... actually took time and created... me. I believe that God created me exactly the way He wants me to be to accomplish what He wants to accomplish through me. It just doesn't FEEL that way. I don't feel fearfully and wonderfully made. I feel flawed and broken and torn apart. I feel  inadequate, failing, feeble, weak, and incompetent.

I feel...damaged.

I know that this is a result of sin. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Satan loves to remind me of what a wretched sinful beast I am. He points out my fears and failures. He reminds me that others excel in areas in which I struggle. He tells me all day every day that I am damaged, weak, flawed, broken, tarnished, and completely unusable by God.

Truth is, I AM broken...but I'm not as broken as I was.

I have failed at more things than I can count, but I've learned from those failures and none of them have defeated me permanently. God can and does use me in spite of my failures, flaws, setbacks, and downfalls. (even though Satan would love for me to believe otherwise)

I know that the One who knit me together originally can put me back together even now.

I want to love the woman God created when He created me. I want to embrace and cultivate the ways that God has gifted me instead of comparing my weaknesses to other women's strengths. I don't want to be prideful...that's not it at all. I simply want to love who God made me to be. I want to embrace and celebrate the unique way God put me together and use the gifts God has given me instead of feeling inferior because my gifts are different than someone else's. I want to enjoy my quirks. I want to appreciate my unique way of looking at the world around me. I want to be thankful that I feel things deeply, to embrace the passion I have for...well... everything, and enjoy the impulsive and obsessive parts of my personality instead of always fighting against these things.


I want to be okay with "me"...whatever that means.

I feel like I should celebrate and embrace myself just as I would any of the things in nature that amaze me. I feel like I should be as thankful for the way God made me as I am anything else He created. I feel like I should be as amazed by "me" (minus the sin and effects of sin of course) as I am  anything else God has created.

I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot... but I'm closer than I was yesterday, and I plan to be a bit closer tomorrow. 

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

July 19, 2017 - Suicide is NOT the answer

There is nothing good about suicide. It is terrible. 

I'd gotten a bit sick after lunch and told Calvin I was going to stay home from church. When I got home, I was absolutely overwhelmed by the thought "Everyone would be so much better off without you. Your family deserves so much better than you."

BTW - if you have these thoughts, seek PROFESSIONAL help. There are people trained to help you out of this darkness. 

I don't know what to say other than I couldn't NOT cut my wrists that afternoon. 

I wasn't upset or nervous or scared. It was all very matter of fact. Like I said, I couldn't NOT do it. Even so, it was surreal...like I was watching it all happen to someone else. I ended up with 12 cuts in all. 3 requiring stitches, others requiring glue, and others that were not deep enough to need help healing. 

It was as if I was watching someone else do it, except that it hurt SO MUCH.

I hit a vein in both arms. Barely missed the artery with all 3 deep cuts. I tried to cut after those 3 and the razor (brand new) "mysteriously" lost the ability to cut thru my skin. 

Sadly, I was at such a devastatingly low point that the only feelings I had were disappointment and disgust for having failed. The only thought in my head was "You can't even get this right."

I know two things for certain. 

First
My intention that afternoon was to die. I was not seeking attention or help. I simply wanted to die. 

Second
It wasn't my time to go. 

For some bizarre reason, Satan's minions took special time and put forth extra effort to push me to the point of truly wanting to die. For an equally astonishing reason, God saw fit to allow me to live. 

Please understand that as I write this, I am about 2 months out from this event. By the time it is published, I'll be almost 3 months out. 

I'm not in this dark place anymore. 

As I write this, I still have more bad days than good, but I DO have good days, and that's very encouraging. It’s taking time, but I know I am getting better.  

If you think that suicide is the way to end your pain, please seek PROFESSIONAL help. There are people who are trained to guide you out of the darkness. 

It DOES get better. 

There IS hope.

Much love and big hugs,

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• ·           God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• ·        Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• ·        Satan Distracts and Deceives
• ·        I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• ·        Feelings are not Facts
• ·        I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
• ·        It will get better. It always does.
• ·        Suicide is not the answer.
• ·        God’s not finished with me yet.

Warning Signs - Satan Distracts and Deceives

I am a Christian and I firmly believe in Spiritual Warfare. The events that led up to the afternoon I tried to kill myself and the events of that night specifically solidify my belief that there is a battle being waged for our souls.

Scripture says:

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith. 1Peter 5:8-9

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2Thess. 3:3

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10

And my life verse(s):

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians. 6:11-17

Looking back over my life, Satan has been trying to take me out for...well, forever. I love Jesus a lot, so Satan hates me...a lot. Simple as that. Over the past year, Satan quietly and slowly upped his game by distracting me from things that draw me to Christ.

First
I started playing a game on my phone. Build your town, grow your crops, etc. Totally mindless. It was an escape for me; a time when I could just let my poor brain go on auto pilot. I met other players on line and enjoyed chatting with them. 

Then
I started listening to country and rock music. 

About this same time
I started going to the gym early in the morning and again after work. 

Nothing in the world wrong with any of this. Really. These things are all very insignificant on their own and seem totally benign. 

Here's the thing... 
I began to spend time "building my town" that I NORMALLY would have spent reading my Bible, spending time in prayer and writing in my journal.  I substituted country and rock music for the Christian music I normally listen to. I was sleeping very little...going to bed really late (because I was chatting online and playing my game) and getting up really early (4 am) to go to the gym.

July found me spiritually empty. I was not reading my Bible, Praying, and writing in my journal. Christian music normally points me back toward Christ, but I was  listening to country and rock...which certainly do not. 

I was also sleep deprived. (FYI- Lack of rest contributes to anxiety and depression.) Add to all this, I made some financial decisions that were not beneficial to our family and my husband was terribly disappointed in me. 

I firmly believe that Satan is the enemy of my soul, but missed this was spiritual warfare.

For about 2 weeks leading up to July 19^th, the prevailing thought in my mind was “You are a total failure. Everyone would be better off without you. You are a burden. You have ruined Calvin’s life. He and the kids deserve someone so much better than you.” 

Satan deceived me with an outright lie and I was so spiritually empty and physically exhausted that I completely believed that lie.

I’ll stop here today.

I want to repeat what I have said in previous posts, Suicide is NOT the answer to pain. It only transfers pain from you to the people who love you. If you have thoughts of suicide, contact the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255) and/or find a PROFESSIONAL to talk to. There are people who are trained to help you get out of this dark place.

One more thing...please remember that I am writing this in hindsight....I am NOT in this dark place any longer.

Big Hugs and Much Love!

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
• It will get better. It always does.

Warning Signs - Losing interest in the things you normally enjoy

There are several things about me that make me...me. These are things that I "just do." 

I love to write.
I've kept a journal since I was a teenager. Once I became a Christian, my journal evolved into my conversations with God, rather than just what went on during the day.  I love looking back through my journals and seeing how God has answered prayers and how my faith has grown over time.  

I love to read my Bible.
I am not one to read thru in a year. I obsess over things. (another thing about me) I might spend a week on a few verses. I like digging in and doing everything I can to UNDERSTAND what I'm reading. I enjoy my Bible. It is a treasure to me.

I love to teach. 
That's part of why I love digging into God's Word. I WANT to be able to teach a passage and be able to answer questions, apply it to life, and relate it to the people I am speaking to.  I LOVE to help others see God's workings in their life. I love to help others see their NEED for Jesus and for more and more of Jesus.

I love to paint.

I love the process of watching a picture in my mind come to fruition on canvas. I love the forgiving nature of paint. If I don't like the way something looks, I can just keep painting until I am pleased with it . If I can't get pleased with a piece, I can paint over the entire thing and just start over.

I love to crochet.
My precious friend Mrs. P. patiently worked with me off and on for the better part of 9 YEARS before I figured out how to crochet. Now I love it. 

I love to read. I don't just read books, I climb into them and live there.  They are an escape for me. I learned long ago that a good book allows me to shut out the world and live someone else's life for a short time.

These are things that sort of define me...not all of me...but some of me. 

When I packed for my stay in the hospital after my suicide attempt, I could not find my Bible. I packed my journal and one of our "extra" Bibles along with other things.

In the hospital, I started reading the Bible I'd brought and started writing in my journal in an effort to start sorting through "everything." When I opened the journal, I saw my last journal entry was in March. MARCH!! It was July!!! I journal every day...and I had not written in my journal for FOUR months. I realized that I had not painted, written in my journal, crocheted, read any books OR read my Bible in MONTHS.

I've seen the commercials about depression. They mention "losing interest in things you used to enjoy" as a sign of depression. I still did not recognize that this was something I should be aware of. It did not alarm me or alert me to a "problem" when I stopped doing the things I normally love to do. I suppose that this happened over the course of several months and that is why I didn't notice. 

I certainly pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.  I use this as one of the ways to determine "how I'm doing."

There are some other little things that played a part in getting me to the place where I wanted to end my life, things that I pay closer attention to now, but this is enough for today. I'll pick back up with these "little things" next time.

Big Hugs and Much Love,

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; more than I realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
• It will get better. It always does.

Warning Signs - Suicidal Thoughts

I feel the need to make a disclaimer....I am only writing about my suicide attempt. I am in no way qualified to help someone else deal with suicidal thoughts, nor do I want to. This is how I work through things. I have lots of "aha" moments as I write through situations. As always, you are totally welcome to join me on this journey through the valley and if you have "aha" moments along the way too, well that is stinkin AWESOME...but my goal is to find healing for myself. I'm being a bit selfish about that right now. I will put in reminders to seek PROFESSIONAL help when that thought hits me. I believe with everything in me that, had I not spent time in the hospital and had I not found a wonderful counselor once I got out, I would most definitely have tried to kill myself again. Getting help from someone who knows HOW to help is SOOOO important. Ok. I feel better now. On to today's post....

Suicidal thoughts have been part of my life for as long as I can remember.  In one of my group sessions, the therapist asked, "Who has had thoughts of suicide?" Only 2 others raised their hand. I was shocked. I really thought that the other 15 or so people in the group were not being honest. The option of suicide was such a natural and constant part of the way I thought about things that I could not believe everyone didn't think this way.

For me, suicide was always a valid option.  It wasn't scary. It didn't feel dark or sinister. The thought of suicide didn't evoke any emotion in me. It wasn't something I thought needed to be talked about. It was just a matter of fact..."Is this worth killing myself over?" felt very much the same as "Am I hungry enough to fix myself something to eat?" It never crossed my mind that this was dark, unusual, unnatural, or wrong.  I think it is important to make this clear. I didn't just decide on July 19th that I would kill myself. This was something I'd considered hundreds of times over the course of my life.

These thoughts were such a normal part of my thought process, it did not alarm me when I thought "Everyone would be better off without me. I should do them all a favor and just go ahead and kill myself."  I simply believed that "everyone" would be better off without me. The thought of the people I love being stuck with someone like me when they could be with someone so much better than me was finally enough to tip the scale and this time when I asked myself, "Is this worth killing yourself over?" the answer was "yes."

  

As is usually the case, I've had an "aha" moment as I've worked through this post.  

Instead of using "is this worth killing myself over?" as my gauge of how bad something is, I am going to ask, "In a year, will I still feel this way? In a month? In a week?" 

I'm learning to tell myself "hang on. It will get better" and it does. It always does. 

If you think that things are so bad that the only way to end the pain is to end your life, trust me on this...it WILL get better. Hang on. Just Hang on. Reach out for help...PROFESSIONAL help...someone who is trained to help you get through the darkness.

Hmmm...I think that's enough for today...

Here's what I know to be true:

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Making others happy and/or to pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.
• It will get better. It always does.

Much love and big hugs-

K

The Struggle With Telling My "Suicide Story"

It's been almost 2 months since I tried to take my life. It seems like a lifetime ago, and at the same time feels like yesterday. Honestly, I want very much to just put the whole situation in a box, put a lid on it, tape it up tight and bury it deep deep down so that I never have to think about it again. Sitting at the keyboard and forcing myself to think through this each week is...well, it's hard.

I struggle with a few things as I sort through all this.

I don't ever want anyone to look to my blog as a source of "what to do" or "what no to do" when considering suicide. I spent weeks looking online and reading about the different ways to end my life, the probability of success with different methods, the pain involved, etc. I don't want to add my story to that source of information. Suicide is not the answer to any sort of troubles, no matter what those troubles are. I read something recently that I have taken to heart: "Suicide doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers it to another person." I have found this to be so true. My suicide attempt hurt many people. I cannot imagine what a successful attempt would have done to them.

I don't want to glamorize suicide. There is absolutely nothing good or glamorous about it. It is a desperate act by a desperate person whose pain is so great that the only way they can see to end the pain is to end their life. Again, ending your life doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers the pain from you to the people who love you. Suicide is terrible. There is nothing good about it.  I don't ever want my writing about my struggle with it to be "cool" or "interesting". It is sad. That's all. Just very very sad.

My goal in writing about this part of my life is simple. 

I want to share the little things that lead up to that night, because I didn't just wake up one day and decide life wasn't worth living.

I want to share what happened the night I tried to kill myself. There is something amazing in the midst of all the terrible devastation that is so totally worth sharing.

I want to share my journey to healing and becoming whole. This is the main thing I want to share, but in order to share this, I have to share (and come to grips with) how I got here in the first place. 

If you are just now joining my story, it's like starting a book in the middle. I think you will better understand these and future posts if you go back and read my posts from 2009 - 2011. I think that will give you a better understanding of who I am, what is important to me, and why my suicide attempt is so... strange. 

I have struggled with telling the story of "that night," but I know I need to. I need to be honest with myself about how that all went down. 

I guess I've chickened out today. I've had 2 really great days and I still don't have many of those. Going down that dark path and focusing on how it felt the night I tried to end my life is just not something I want to do today. My plan is to discuss all those little things that lead up to the point that I thought the world would be better off without me when I post next week. The week after that I will describe the events of the day I tried to end my life. The next few posts after that will be about being hospitalized and trial and error with different counselors. THEN we can move on to where I actually am NOW....on the road to healing.

There is a huge part of me that wants to just forget all about this. If I don't record it, I will definitely put it in a box and hide it away. It is important for me to remember how I got here....because I don't EVER want to find myself in that place where the only thought in my head is that I want to die.

Bug Hugs!

K

The lies I've Told Myself

I have been amazed at the number of people who have reached out to me after my last post. I will admit that my first reaction was...well...panic. I didn't realize that so many people read my words. It was VERY tempting to delete those last two posts and hope everyone would forget about all this.

Obviously I changed my mind.

I don't want this to define me. I don't in ANY way want to glorify suicide or suicidal thoughts. However, I'm not the only person, the only Christian, or even the only Pastor's wife who has tried to commit suicide. Thankfully I'm still here. Now I'm left to work through all this and writing is the best way for me to do that. If you want to tag along, that's fine with me. I feel like this will be a long and winding road to healing. Maybe, just maybe, my journey will give hope to someone else who is fighting this battle. That's really the only good I can see coming from this terrible ordeal. Anyway...I'm still trying to understand how I came to the place where I actually believed that I should die.

For as long as I can remember, what I felt, thought, or wanted was irrelevant, so long as I said and did what I "should." I honestly cannot tell you if this is something was actually taught, or simply the way I learned to cope with difficult people and situations. Either way, when faced with...well, anything...the thought that immediately goes through my head is "you should..."

You should say...

You should be...                 

You should act...

OR "You shouldn't"...

                              

You shouldn't let that upset you.

You shouldn't be so selfish/needy/prideful/ etc.
You shouldn't feel that way.

Until recently, I thought this was how everyone's brain worked and it never dawned on me to do anything differently.  I believed that, in order to be loved, I had to please the people in my life, and I thought I could do that if I always reacted and behaved the way I "should."

 As time went on, I realized that there are people who are going to be displeased with me. That realization, coupled with the unrealistic expectations I put on myself, quickly lead to constant thoughts that sound something like this: "you are a failure, You ALWAYS let people down, you will never get it right, you are a disaster, you mess up everything" which all lead up the the most hurtful and powerful lie of all:

"Everyone would be better off without you."

That was the dominant thought in my head and feeling in my heart on July 19, 2017. "Everyone would be better off without you." Doesn't matter that it isn't true. Doesn't matter that it makes no sense. At that point in time, that was what I believed and THAT was enough to convince me to take my own life.

It's important to me to make sure that I record that this didn't happen all at once. It was the result of years and years of conditioning myself to avoid conflict at all costs. It was the result of a lifetime of desperately wanting people close to me to see value in me, to love me, and to be proud of who I am...and a life time of falling short of their expectations.

This isn't a pity party. I'm not feeling "oh poor me." What I feel is quite the opposite really. I'm realizing that trying to earn some people's favor is futile. I'm realizing that trying to earn someone's love is futile. I'm learning that there are some people who will never be proud of the woman I've become; there are people who will always choose someone else's happiness and well-being over mine; there are people who will try to manipulate me in an effort to feel powerful and "in control".

I'm in no way attempting to "blame" anyone for where I am. I'm realizing that some people consistently cause me anxiety and pain. I'm realizing that it is just as important to protect myself as it is to make others happy.

All that is so easy to say...I'm not sure what that will feel like to actually put actions to those words. This is very foreign to me. I have always thought that putting others first at all costs made me a good person. I didn't realize that this is unhealthy.

Last week I talked about how feelings are unreliable. They are fickle and can cause confusion. It is important to me that I keep track of the facts in this...So, Here's what I know to be true:

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Making others happy and/or to pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I just realized that this whole "adjusting my attitude, likes, wants, and needs so that I please people"  and "doing whatever i have to in order to earn people's love" train of thought goes against scripture. God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. HE made me just the way HE wants me to be to accomplish what HE wants from my life. I don't have to be different than the way He created me to be in order to be "good enough"... but that is a post for another day.

Much love and big hugs!
K